Annie Kaszina I was having a conversation with an old friend. The conversation was lacklustre and so were
we. For different reasons both of us
were struggling with a profound sense of loss.
Any sense of loss, as we all know, feeds into every sense
of loss we have ever known.
So there we were, two talented coaches struggling with our
own baggage. […]
At the start of a relationship you try – haven’t we all tried? – to make another person whole.
Underpinning our effort is the belief that by making another person whole we too will become whole.
Increasingly, I believe that the start of a relationship is a kind of sales negotiation. Of course that is not the way that most women see it. Normally we do not need too much persuading as regards the item of clothing or the man. It, or he, only needs to strike a chord or two with us, for whatever reason and we are gone, all critical faculties thrown to the wind.
“I know it’s not good for me… but I can’t help wondering,
is the person he is now with prettier than me… (or slimmer than me, or more fun
than me)… How do I close that chapter and not feel so worthless because of everything
that I was not in this marriage?” Annika
How, in other words, do you step out of self-loathing?
Old habits have deep roots. Old feelings have powerful hooks, as I discovered once again this
week.
It’s been one of those weeks when the challenges piled
up. Individually, I could have managed
any one of them. Collectively, I still
had my head above water (even if there was a bit of furious doggy paddling
going on below the surface.)
But there
was more…
Being a victim means you get to claim the moral high ground, because of his appalling treatment of you. (Sure, it’s pretty lonely and cold up there, but still it feels better than being down in the mud where he kept you.)
The ex-husband and, indeed, the ex-mother-in-law have both
resurfaced in the past two weeks.
I choose to see it as another opportunity for letting go at
a deeper level.
Melissa writes:
"There
is a huge hole in my heart. He can be a very good man and I do feel like
if I had handled Tuesday evening differently maybe it would be different…"
My daughter and I spent the New Year in Venice, Italy. Those of you who have visited my website might remember
that Venice is where my marriage finally fell apart.
The then husband threw yet another temper tantrum and I
finally recognized I had a choice. Either I would stay in the marriage, lose
what little strength I had and be resoundingly miserable anytime, any place,
anywhere, or I could leave and be free to have as much pleasure in my life
as anyone else had; starting with Venice.
‘Old history’, you might say. Yes, and…
Clearly, I can’t know most of you, my readers. Some of you have emailed me sharing your
feelings and your story with me. Where
possible, I’ve replied. Many of you are
simply names to me. Most likely I don’t
even know which continent you live on.
The fact that you have joined my list suggests that you are
looking for something in your life that you don’t currently have. It could be information, hope, something to
sustain you through a dark time. I
can’t know. I can only guess.
It goes without saying that I wish you love, joy, peace,
prosperity, healing and self-worth in 2008.
Want daily reassurance and inspiration? Sign up to my Instagram account. @dr_anniephd
