Month: November 2008

 A reader of my ezine who I have never met, but come to
love from what she writes, sent me the email that follows. Having written at such length in this blog about the nature of bad men and bad relationships, it seemed timely to include my reader's description
of a Good Man.  Knowing what the good looks like helps you to be clear about what is bad and why it falls short of being acceptable.

Siobhan writes:

As part of my
recovery I read a lot about how to spot an abuser. However, when I met my current partner there was nothing
available to tell me what most lucky people learn automatically i.e. what is a
GOOD MAN like. Well after nearly two years with a good man, I thought I'd share
with others what I feel a good man is like.

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        In my last post I spoke of a woman,
        who like so many abused women, settles for crumbs from the banquet of
        life, because she does not really believe that there is a banquet out
        there.

        One reader emailed me to disagree with my
        viewpoint.  I was, she felt, too harsh in my judgements.   She had
        reached the stage (still a way short of rock bottom) of accepting that
        she was a miserable person to be around. Hence her partner could not be
        blamed for expressing his distaste for her.  In other words, the process
        of emotional pulverization was so far advanced that she had lost sight
        of all that he had said and done to reduce her to that
        state.   

        I can remember feeling like that also, and
        challenging the few people who were concerned enough to tell me my
        relationship was toxic.  (It undoubtedly was.)  But I had to believe in
        something.   

        When you can’t believe in yourself, you
        end up clutching at the nearest thing that looks halfway solid.  That
        thing is most usually your abusive partner. 

        My reader ended her email with these
        words: 

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