“When do the hurt and crushed feeling go away?”

19 Jan 2008

Melissa writes:

is a huge hole in my heart.  He can be a very good man and I do feel like
if I had handled Tuesday evening differently maybe it would be different…"

I am smart enough to know that his extremes of apologizing and crying and loving
me to being so angry at something I have said and throwing me out of his house and
telling me he does not love me and he going 3-4 days at a time with no contact
are NOT normal.  But then he sobs and tells
me how sorry he is for how he has treated me and it’s not my fault that he has
a  lot of junk in his life right now… These extremes have happened about 10 times in 5 months.  I am smart enough to know this isn’t
right but I did believe he loved me and I KNOW that I love him.  I have
apologized for anything I  have done but
now he says he did not want my apology – he wants me out of his life.

do the hurt and crushed feeling go away?  There is a hole in my heart and
a void in my days without him.

feel broken.


Melissa, what kind of void in your life does not having him treat you badly

Yes, I
hear that you feel you love him and I’ve been in that trap.  You’ll deny all the
bad behaviour (60, 70, 80, 90% of the time) for the moments when it looks like
he might just morph into the man you want and need him to

interests me is what you love about him?

hurt and crushed feeling do go away.  They go away only when you start to love
and care for yourself, but not before.

see, you have a choice.  You can carry on loving him as a full time occupation,
and in order to do that you have to keep beating yourself up and feeling bad about yourself; we both know you
are pretty good at that by now.  Or you can start lavishing some of the love and
care and support you have to offer on yourself.  If you do that, two things will

he’ll start to have a far less important place in your life
you’ll start to feel good about yourself, and you will start to discover a sense
of fulfilment and hope for the future.  If you do, my ebook "The Woman You Want To Be" is a great place to start.

here’s the thing: you can’t have it both ways.  If you want to stay with the
hole in your heart over this man who can be very good (but
usually isn’t)
, you can.  It won’t be happy, but it sure will be
familiar.  Or you can take the risk of finding out who you really are and what
you have to offer to yourself and the world.  Now, I know that might sound scary
right now because of all the negative stuff he has said to you about being
worthless and useless, but that’s just Abusive Man’s Propaganda.  What you will
discover is quite different.  You’ll discover strengths and qualities and
talents that will delight you.

know, you say there is a huge hole in your heart.  What I’m guessing you mean
but didn’t say is that only he can fill it.  Which is interesting because he was
the one that dug that hole in the first place.  I’d tend to assume that he did
so for his own reasons.

So one
last question for you: would you like to make your heart WHOLE again – which is
entirely your responsibility, or would you rather have have him back in that
hole in your heart, digging away, making it ever deeper?

wishes for your recovery,



Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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