Once abused women understand the inevitability of the damage they will suffer in an abusive relationship, the relationship loses much of its attraction. Once they understand that the dream they have for the relationship is not part of the picture, it becomes easier to walk away, physically and emotionally. The circle of violence diagram helps to explain the moods and behaviours of abusive men.
The more abusive men revert to type, the more love abusive women throw at them. We love them not as they are – let’s face it, that would take a lot of doing – but they way we want them to be. An abusive partner is just about the worst investment you will ever make in your life, in every sense. You lose months, or years of your time. Often your career suffers, your finances suffer, your health suffers and your emotional well-being suffers.
Abused women toil tirelessly to keep their relationship alive. You couldn’t possibly pay someone enough to put in the time and the trouble that abused women sacrifice, for absolutely nothing. Of course, it doesn’t work. ‘Working’ at a relationship is a guarantee of nothing but your effort. Nobody ever promised that your work would be requited. But, somehow, inside your own head, you came to believe that if you put 10,000 hours, or 20,000, or 50,000 hours, ‘hard work’ into your marriage, it would finally pay dividends. Your abusive relationship is the ultimate proof that working at it doesn’t work.
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