Annie Kaszina - Annie Kaszina

“How Long Will You Settle For Crumbs?”

15th July 201915th November 2008 by Annie Kaszina

There’s a distinction here between what we may say we expect and what we truly feel we are entitled to. Abused women feel they are entitled to so very little. They settle for crumbs from the banquet of life. Quite possibly because they don’t believe that there is a banquet of life.
An abused woman who is still emotionally enmeshed with her partner will always say that (in between smashing her self-esteem to pieces) he offers her the best thing she has ever had.

“Your future is not in the past”

15th July 20199th November 2008 by Annie Kaszina

The abused mind-set is the state in which your past is always in your future, the state in which you can see no future because all you see is more of that past ahead of you. Or at least, as life starts to move on, in the eye of your mind you constantly see those old scenarios ahead of you. You expect those old scenarios to be revisited on you.

“Do I Really Have To End This Relationship?”

15th July 201921st September 2008 by Annie Kaszina

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What’s the thing that
abused women most hate doing?

Ironically, the thing that
abused women most hate doing is finally walking away from a bad relationship.

Logic suggests that it should
be a ‘no brainer’ to walk away from someone who has made you profoundly
miserable on any number of occasions.

Yet those of us who have been
there know all too well how absurdly difficult it feels.

The viler the man’s
behaviours, the more you obsess about his ‘potential’.

With almost religious zeal
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What do you expect?

15th July 201915th September 2008 by Annie Kaszina

Recently I notice a shift within my own head as I move on
from healing from a bad relationship to thoughts of creating a good relationship
in my life.

The process so far has been interesting, entertaining,
challenging at times and quite emotionally wearing, as I test it all out in the
relationship marketplace.

And then it struck me that I am still behaving in accordance
with an old belief that relationships are emotionally wearing.

It was precisely that belief that helped propel me into my
abusive marriage.

All these years on, I believe I deserve better. I believe I have a right to better. Still,
at a level so deep that I hadn’t even registered it, my expectation was
still alarmingly negative.

Beware the Pedestal

15th July 201913th September 2008 by Annie Kaszina

The truth about pedestals is, generally, far less glorious than the fantasy. A pedestal is a piece of furniture that is used to display something – or someone – to best advantage. There is, habitually, one pedestal per relationship. An abusive man carts his around with him as a vital part of his seduction kit. That way he’s ready when he meets a woman whom he thinks might be appropriate to park on it for a while.

“Can I Trust Him To Change?”

15th July 20195th September 2008 by Annie Kaszina

Hi Annie

I have been together with my husband for 23 years, we have teenage 2 kids. I moved out 5 months ago because of
physical abuse that went on for 23 years. I am
in a 6mth lease to see if I want to go back to him again. The question I have
is…is it possible he can change without help?

He says he knows I am serious
and promises it will never happen again as he understands he crossed the line.
I don’t know if maybe I should see a therapist as I find myself very confused
about this, and really should it not be a simple answer if it has being going on
for 20 some years ( it takes about a year between blow ups ).

Martha

One thing that we, as abused women, forget

15th July 201929th August 2008 by Annie Kaszina

In my working life I hear so many women make misguided claims for abusive men who can behave nicely on occasion. And, yes, confusing the odd loving behaviour or statement with a loving temperament is a kind of ‘sleight of mind’. It’s called persuading yourself that second best really isn’t second best. In the end, that bad decision always comes back to haunt you.

I Can’t Believe It Could Happen To Me

15th July 201923rd August 2008 by Annie Kaszina

"Hi Annie,

I have been struggling for = months to dig myself out of what feels
like a bottomless pit ofloss and despair. I feel like I have completely
taken on someone else’s definition of myself. I can’t believe something like this could happen to me. I thought I
was so strong. I still feel myself daily questioning whether I deserved it or
not. I feel like maybe I was wrong all along… that I did deserve this…
otherwise how could he be so happy now without me in his life? Isn’t the abusive
one the one who is tormented afterward because his object of control is gone?
Maybe I was the one who was abusive? Maybe all of the horrible things he said
about me are true.

I’m so lost. And so hurt. And so confused. And all I want is to love myself
again. To respect myself again. And to stop loving and missing someone who was
so very, very cruel to me.

I don’t know if you’ll ever respond to this, but I appreciate the email and
the website. I find myself googling at work… just trying to find some sense of
hope. And this helps, at least for tonight.

Thank you

G.

—

“What Should I Do About My Abusive Husband?”

15th July 201919th August 2008 by Annie Kaszina

My husband has been verbally abusive since we got married 10 years ago.
We are both in our late 60s.. Today he got angry because I didn’t look
something up on the computer. He
got angry and took the mouse away from me and held it over my head
where I couldn’t reach it. I told him about wanting to look at my email first. I said I was tired of explaining everything I had to do to him. He
drew back his fist to hit me. I told him if he hit me I’d call the
police. He grabbed both of my hands and
almost broke my right wrist. I have finger print bruises on my left
arm. He has used up all my money and made me
completely dependent on him. His abuse is
getting harder to bear and I am beginning to hate him for the abuse.
What should I do? F

“What Seeds Have You Planted Beneath The Snow?”

15th July 201911th August 2008 by Annie Kaszina

I had become aware that the fear and shame that grew out of my abusive relationship were still ‘drivers’ in my life. And I wanted to clear them.