Are You In A Trance Of Misery?
Abused women act and feel and perform in accordance with what an abusive partner tells them. They do not act in accordance with what they are capable of.
Annie Kaszina
What you learn in an abusive relationship
What did you learn in your abusive relationship?
You learned, doubtless, that: the world was not safe, you would never be good enough, or lovable enough, and your judgment would always, always, be wrong.
When “it is about you”
Yes, abusive men are crazy-makers and they lull you into a kind of trance; they suck you into their highly skewed worldview. That’s true enough, but I don’t think that alone is a complete explanation. If we felt alone in childhood, we may have the yearning for a perfect love, for someone who will always be there for us, through thick and thin… That dream is the big picture we are – often hopelessly – drawn towards. That dream can lead us to be hopelessly attracted to an abusive man. That dream can lead us to become an abused woman.
The Circle Of Violence
Once abused women understand the inevitability of the damage they will suffer in an abusive relationship, the relationship loses much of its attraction. Once they understand that the dream they have for the relationship is not part of the picture, it becomes easier to walk away, physically and emotionally. The circle of violence diagram helps to explain the moods and behaviours of abusive men.
“Don’t throw your love away”
The more abusive men revert to type, the more love abusive women throw at them. We love them not as they are – let’s face it, that would take a lot of doing – but they way we want them to be. An abusive partner is just about the worst investment you will ever make in your life, in every sense. You lose months, or years of your time. Often your career suffers, your finances suffer, your health suffers and your emotional well-being suffers.
Why Working At Your Relationship Doesn’t Work
Abused women toil tirelessly to keep their relationship alive. You couldn’t possibly pay someone enough to put in the time and the trouble that abused women sacrifice, for absolutely nothing. Of course, it doesn’t work. ‘Working’ at a relationship is a guarantee of nothing but your effort. Nobody ever promised that your work would be requited. But, somehow, inside your own head, you came to believe that if you put 10,000 hours, or 20,000, or 50,000 hours, ‘hard work’ into your marriage, it would finally pay dividends. Your abusive relationship is the ultimate proof that working at it doesn’t work.
When ‘love flies out of the window’
In my experience, abused women carry many old, limiting beliefs about relationships. Most commonly, they are simply not aware of them. They can long for the best in their life, but the beliefs that have been programmed into them lead them to expect… if not the worst, then something second, or third, rate. Curiously enough, love does not appear to fly out of the window when we are maltreated. Abused women have, if anything, a pathological attachment to their abusive partner. In reality, that has far more to do with fixation than love.
“It’s not about you!” Part 2
It’s not about you, in the sense that it is not about continuing to focus on the sadness of what you have been through, and lost. It’s not about the fear and the pain you have experienced. You have a mission. When you are a victim of abuse, you are just thinking about you. You are the only person that can live your mission, and if you don’t do your mission, it won’t get done.
“It’s not about you” Part 1
The message your abusive partner gives you loud and clear is that it’s all about you and what you do wrong. Everything bad that happens in his life is somehow because of what you do wrong. It’s not surprising abused women think that ‘it’ is all about them. They hear it often enough.
But here’s the curious thing; abusive men all say much the same thing, the world over. Abusive men are still playing out the small child’s view of the world, in which they are the center of everything. If a situation pans out differently, they will throw a temper tantrum to re-establish their desired status quo.
On Courage
The abusive contract that I, and every other woman there had signed up for, albeit unawares, was this: “I will tolerate whatever you dish out.” I say that because we always gave in, always ultimately went back to our abusive partner, and excused, overlooked, denied, or minimized the unacceptability of their words and deeds. Whatever we said along the way, the ultimate message our abuser received and registered was this: “This too I will accept. I may not like it, but I am still here.”
