Here’s a simple rule of thumb: when we arrive on this earth every one of us gets issued with one life. That is the one life that we are the arbiter of. In the free world, at least, nobody gets to be the arbiter of two, three, or more, lives. Bad behaviour does not earn an abusive partner the right to be the arbiter of your life.
Quite possibly, abused women are “Emotional Underearners”.
All the effort that abused women put into their relationships never gets translated into being treated with consistent love, care and respect by their abusive partners. They are left with nothing to show for all that they do for their abusive partner (and sometimes, also, for other people in their life.)
Why do women stay in an abusive relationship? It does not happen because they are stupid or weak-willed. Abused women stay in bad relationships simply because nobody taught them how to recognize an abusive relationship when they fell into one. Two things leave women vulnerable to abusers; lack of information and lack of self-worth. Nobody would willingly put themselves through that misery. What follows are 7 critical mistakes that all women unknowingly make that put them at risk – that you doubtless made also.
What do you truly love about this man who takes a ‘sick pleasure’ (your words) from abusing you? How do you know he is mentally ill? People who perpetrate domestic violence – which includes emotional abuse – may be ‘bad’, but there is nothing to suggest they are mad. What’s more, nobody has ever yet transformed an abusive relationship into a functional one by sticking around to try and take away from the abuser the ‘sick pleasure they get’ from abusing.
This week I’ve been working with a client who has done a lot of healing from an abusive relationship. When she spoke to me, she was quite tearful about something her new partner had said to her. She said: “Today my lover thanked me for being me. He didn’t tell me I wasn’t good enough. He didn’t reproach me for not being loving enough. He didn’t humiliate me for not being thin enough. He didn’t ridicule me for not being clever enough. He simply thanked me…For being me. That was almost too overwhelming to take on board…”
When you said: “I love you” to your abusive partner, you doubtless surrendered your heart and your independence. When he said: “I love you”, he took possession of your heart and your independence. What did he give in return?
Abusive men are much more like one another than they are like anyone else. They are not your fault. We do them, and ourselves, no favours at all when we tolerate their bad behaviour. Like spoilt children, indulging them only allows them to become worse. But, as chronological adults, it is for them to take responsibility for their own behaviour; not us. No matter how much they may tell us that their bad behaviour is our fault, that doesn’t make it true.
As an abused woman, you feel like you are drowning in a sea of fear and anxiety, and all you have to hold on to is a fragile splinter of self-belief. You worry that you will never be able to manage without your abusive partner, that you could be making the biggest mistake of your life. (Rest assured, the mistake – if such it was – was starting a relationship with him; not finishing it.) You worry about being “the bad guy”. If he makes a better relationship next time around, then that will prove that you were “the bad guy”. Allegedly.
Abused women are, in the end, just women; some are more talented than others, sure. But look at this way: to run uphill with a 50 lb rucksack on your back, requires you to be a better, stronger runner, than the person who runs, unburdened, up that hill. An abusive relationship weighs far heavier on your shoulders than any 50 lb rucksack ever can.
When an abusive partner, or other near one, tells you that you are ‘too sensitive’, it is, apparently, because they wish you could change. (The subtext is that if you could change that it would, somehow, transform the abusive relationship.) Not that they are offering you any clues as to how you might reduce that sensitivity. In reality, they don’t know how you could reduce that sensitivity; nor do they care. Much as they may criticize you for it, your sensitivity fits very nicely with their agenda.
Over the next 5 days, I'll send you some lessons and tips that I've found have really helped women to heal from narcissistic abuse. Starting with the basics.
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