There is a theory that we train people to behave towards us in a certain way. Now, I’m not saying that your partner’s abusive behaviours were ever your fault. But I am saying that he keeps coming back because he knows that you will keep taking him back.
You learn very quickly in an abusive relationship that your mistakes are not to be tolerated. In fact, where you are concerned there is no such thing as a small mistake. Abusive men express themselves in a code that is actually blindingly simple.
That being the case why does it take their women so long to crack it?
He hasn’t loved you enough to care about not hurting your feelings time and time again and you are unable to love him unconditionally – and who could blame you? You have a great basis for a lousy relationship, but a truly lousy basis for a good relationship.
The unconscious mind doesn’t hear negatives. So each time a woman says: “I don’t want to keep going over the same ground”, what her unconscious mind hears is: “I want to keep going over the same ground”. The unconscious mind is not a dumping ground where you offload garbage. Instead, it is a somewhat literal genie totally committed to giving you exactly what it hears you ask for.
It’s ok to feel what you’re feeling. It’s normal. The fact that you are berating yourself for still being in the relationship actually means that you are growing your wings and preparing for flight.
The pace of recovery is way too slow at the start. Besides, you feel too weary to work through the process; you just want to hurtle through the recovery tunnel, like some kind of emotional time traveller, and arrive instantly at the other end. Healed. Whole. Of course it doesn’t happen.
Emotional abuse leaves you feeling like a bottomless pit. You attempt to fill that pit with whatever wisdom, support and information you can garner. And the pit still seems bottomless. Everything seems to disappear into it. Until one day you reach critical mass
There is a cosy belief that lingers that once a woman is no longer subjected to domestic violence the problem is over. Finished. History. Abused women suffer from our very own brand of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) without knowing what it is or if they will ever recover from it. How could they, when they don’t even recognize that that is what has happened to them?
In an abusive relationship your time and your state cease to be your own. Whether or not your abusive partner is with you all the time he casts a long shadow. This is exactly the way he wants it. If he is to have the power over you that he desires, then you must feel anxious on his account at all times.
A lot of women who have found themselves in abusive relationships believe the are not part of the major group. It may be because we are bright, or middle class, or feisty, or financially independent or, you choose…
Over the next 5 days, I'll send you some lessons and tips that I've found have really helped women to heal from narcissistic abuse. Starting with the basics.
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