What will you do?

17 Sep 2007

In my new home I notice my pace of life has changed
a lot. Truth to tell, it has slowed
down. I, who have always raced from one
task to the next, find myself lingering over breakfast because I sit where the
sunlight comes in through my window.

It took me a couple of weeks pottering around
cleaning my already clean hob, or polishing the kettle (and pinching myself
because I only ever did that stuff under duress) to understand what was going
on. Because I am no domestic goddess,
you understand.

What I was really doing was being happy. And what I discovered was that this kind of
happiness, which is all about contentment and being at peace, takes time.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that cleaning a hob or
polishing that peculiarly British necessity the kettle, is essential to
happiness. I am simply recording another – joyful – stage along the journey to

In an abusive relationship your time and your state
cease to be your own. Whether or not
your abusive partner is with you all the time he casts a long shadow. This is exactly the way he wants it. If he is to have the power over you that he
desires, then you must feel anxious on his account at all times. 

That anxiety, or fear, may be about his behaviour
towards you, or others; what he has just said or done; what he might say or
do. From his point of view, your ideal
state is one of fearfulness, because that equates to powerlessness.

Provided he can keep you in that or a related state
his work is done, his objective is achieved. He can do that and get his pay off even after the relationship is
officially over. Abusers most commonly
linger, like a bad smell, even after a relationship break-up because they still
need to control your emotional state.

Whether they are motivated by conscious cunning or
plain low cunning doesn’t matter. The
fact is, at some level they know that you can only entertain one
emotional state at a time. Or perhaps
it would be more accurate to say you can only entertain one emotional spectrum
at any given time. The spectrum of fear
and misery is the one that best serves their purpose, because it diminishes

With enough work on their part – and where that
kind of work is concerned they are tireless – this negative spectrum becomes
your emotional default setting, as it did mine. Naturally this impacts on your expectations and your
behaviours. When fear and misery are
your emotional ‘drivers’ you will either throw yourself headlong into activity
in an attempt to outrun your state, or try to numb it through medication,
alcohol, drugs, or food. None of them
work very well.

So what can you do to replace that fearful, low

The short answer is that you have to do
. Only do something
appropriate and it will change. Your options include coaching, NLP, Theta, TFT and EFT and my book, “The Woman You Want
To Be”.
 There are fee paying
options and free options. Paying fees
will ensure you have professional support. The free options will require more effort on your part. 

If paying fees is not an option and you are
prepared to put in that effort, EFT is a great starting point. You can download FREE EFT information with
all you need to get started from: http://www.emofree.com/downloadeftmanual.asp If you are not yet ready to read through the
manual, then at least commit to spending a few minutes daily affirming to
yourself out loud: “Even though I am in this fearful, powerless state I love
and accept myself totally.” 

There is a story of a man who was determined to win
the lottery. It never happened. The years passed, he grew old and his
financial situation became more and more dire. In desperation, one day, he ran out into the street, threw up his hands
and berated God: “I really need this money. I don’t understand it. I’ve
prayed. I’ve thought about winning the
lottery every single day for 20 years. What more could I do?” 

A voice boomed out from Heaven saying: “You could
have bought a lottery ticket.”

What will you do?



Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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