I was having a conversation with an old friend. The conversation was lacklustre and so were
we. For different reasons both of us
were struggling with a profound sense of loss.
Any sense of loss, as we all know, feeds into every sense
of loss we have ever known.
So there we were, two talented coaches struggling with our
own baggage. […]
At the start of a relationship you try – haven’t we all tried? – to make another person whole.
Underpinning our effort is the belief that by making another person whole we too will become whole.
Increasingly, I believe that the start of a relationship is a kind of sales negotiation. Of course that is not the way that most women see it. Normally we do not need too much persuading as regards the item of clothing or the man. It, or he, only needs to strike a chord or two with us, for whatever reason and we are gone, all critical faculties thrown to the wind.
Between having a victim identity or no identity, the victim identity has to be preferable.
Being a victim means you get to claim the moral high ground, because of his appalling treatment of you. (Sure, it’s pretty lonely and cold up there, but still it feels better than being down in the mud where he kept you.)
Letting go of past hurts is a process that continues for years. But it is a liberating and enriching process at every step of the way. Yes, we have all endured awful things, all had appalling, cruel things done to us. When we can finally let go of them it is a blessing.
“There is a huge hole in my heart. He can be a very good man and I do feel like if I had handled Tuesday evening differently maybe it would be different…”
What were the lessons to be learned?
That abusers show no respect for people or place? Certainly. That abusers all use the same script and the same behaviours regardless of their language, place of origin, socio-economic group and upbringing? Undoubtedly. That in a relationship with an abuser you are never, ever, safe from attack? Sure. That your distress cuts no ice with an abuser? Of course. That you can expect to be privately and publicly humiliated? Naturally.
I wish for you to know that you are not alone. There is an army of recovering women out there. You may not know them – us – but individually and collectively we care. Every woman who takes the road to healing helps move others forward. There is no shame in what we have been through. Our recovery helps to make other women safer, friends, family, children, women we may never meet. Our recovery changes the climate for other women also.
It’s that time of year again, the time of year when, so the hype goes, everything in your life should be rosy. If your life is not rosy, it can be especially hard to have to admit the failure of a relationship in which you invested so much.
Over the next 5 days, I'll send you some lessons and tips that I've found have really helped women to heal from narcissistic abuse. Starting with the basics.
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