Are You Focusing On The Past Or The Future You?
At the start of a relationship you try – haven’t we all tried? – to make another person whole.
Underpinning our effort is the belief that by making another person whole we too will become whole.
Mental Abuse Recovery
“How Does A Man Sell Himself To You?”
Increasingly, I believe that the start of a relationship is a kind of sales negotiation. Of course that is not the way that most women see it. Normally we do not need too much persuading as regards the item of clothing or the man. It, or he, only needs to strike a chord or two with us, for whatever reason and we are gone, all critical faculties thrown to the wind.
Old Feelings Have Powerful Hooks
Between having a victim identity or no identity, the victim identity has to be preferable.
The Payoffs Of Being A Victim
Being a victim means you get to claim the moral high ground, because of his appalling treatment of you. (Sure, it’s pretty lonely and cold up there, but still it feels better than being down in the mud where he kept you.)
Unconditional Love
Letting go of past hurts is a process that continues for years. But it is a liberating and enriching process at every step of the way. Yes, we have all endured awful things, all had appalling, cruel things done to us. When we can finally let go of them it is a blessing.
“When do the hurt and crushed feeling go away?”
“There is a huge hole in my heart. He can be a very good man and I do feel like if I had handled Tuesday evening differently maybe it would be different…”
Our Lessons From history
What were the lessons to be learned?
That abusers show no respect for people or place? Certainly. That abusers all use the same script and the same behaviours regardless of their language, place of origin, socio-economic group and upbringing? Undoubtedly. That in a relationship with an abuser you are never, ever, safe from attack? Sure. That your distress cuts no ice with an abuser? Of course. That you can expect to be privately and publicly humiliated? Naturally.
“My wishes for you in 2008”
I wish for you to know that you are not alone. There is an army of recovering women out there. You may not know them – us – but individually and collectively we care. Every woman who takes the road to healing helps move others forward. There is no shame in what we have been through. Our recovery helps to make other women safer, friends, family, children, women we may never meet. Our recovery changes the climate for other women also.
“It’s the time of year when…”
It’s that time of year again, the time of year when, so the hype goes, everything in your life should be rosy. If your life is not rosy, it can be especially hard to have to admit the failure of a relationship in which you invested so much.
How Are You Teaching People To Behave Towards You?
Suppose that bad relationships are made at the very start when we allow the relationship to begin on the wrong footing, when we ‘settle for less’. It may be a ‘romantic’ relationship in which we think we will iron out the difficulties further down the line. Or it may be a friendship or business relationship where you think that just for now you’ll let yourself be put upon or pushed around.
The 5 Simple Steps to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
Over the next 5 days, I'll send you some lessons and tips that I've found have really helped women to heal from narcissistic abuse. Starting with the basics.
