Letting go of past hurts is a process that continues for years. But it is a liberating and enriching process at every step of the way. Yes, we have all endured awful things, all had appalling, cruel things done to us. When we can finally let go of them it is a blessing.
“There is a huge hole in my heart. He can be a very good man and I do feel like if I had handled Tuesday evening differently maybe it would be different…”
What were the lessons to be learned?
That abusers show no respect for people or place? Certainly. That abusers all use the same script and the same behaviours regardless of their language, place of origin, socio-economic group and upbringing? Undoubtedly. That in a relationship with an abuser you are never, ever, safe from attack? Sure. That your distress cuts no ice with an abuser? Of course. That you can expect to be privately and publicly humiliated? Naturally.
I wish for you to know that you are not alone. There is an army of recovering women out there. You may not know them – us – but individually and collectively we care. Every woman who takes the road to healing helps move others forward. There is no shame in what we have been through. Our recovery helps to make other women safer, friends, family, children, women we may never meet. Our recovery changes the climate for other women also.
It’s that time of year again, the time of year when, so the hype goes, everything in your life should be rosy. If your life is not rosy, it can be especially hard to have to admit the failure of a relationship in which you invested so much.
Self-respect is a curious thing; you lose it from the outside. It drains away through the constant punctures that an abusive partner makes in your self-worth. Hence you may well get stuck in the trap of believing it will only be restored to you from the outside, when this is not the case. Even if people do try to instil some sense of self-respect in you, it will only drain out of the existing holes.
Self-respect can only be restored from the inside.
Suppose that bad relationships are made at the very start when we allow the relationship to begin on the wrong footing, when we ‘settle for less’. It may be a ‘romantic’ relationship in which we think we will iron out the difficulties further down the line. Or it may be a friendship or business relationship where you think that just for now you’ll let yourself be put upon or pushed around.
There is a theory that we train people to behave towards us in a certain way. Now, I’m not saying that your partner’s abusive behaviours were ever your fault. But I am saying that he keeps coming back because he knows that you will keep taking him back.
You learn very quickly in an abusive relationship that your mistakes are not to be tolerated. In fact, where you are concerned there is no such thing as a small mistake. Abusive men express themselves in a code that is actually blindingly simple.
That being the case why does it take their women so long to crack it?
Abused women hear and retain every single negative comment that an abusive partner ever makes about them. They also register every negative comment from every other source with any access to them. They have been taught to believe the worst about themselves. They have learned, by bitter experience, that only bad things happen to women in abusive relationships.
Over the next 5 days, I'll send you some lessons and tips that I've found have really helped women to heal from narcissistic abuse. Starting with the basics.
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