“Is He Abusive? Or Just Insensitive And Selfish?”

06 Aug 2010

Dear Annie,

I can't determine whether I am in a relationship with an extremely thoughtless,
insensitive man or whether there is evidence of abuse. 

My partner and I have been together a little over 2 years although neither
live together nor are married. He does nice things for me sometimes and appears
to care but little niggles have always been at the back of my mind; he doesn't
trust women because 2 previous wives left him for someone else. He has also had
an abusive upbringing…

I feel so alone,


Hi Sue,

question for you: if your partner is only extremely
thoughtless, and insensitive, does that make the relationship

I ask
you that fairly brutally, because it is an imporant

were in an abusive marriage for 17 years, and I'm guessing that this man is an
improvement on your husband.  All that tells me is that he is less

I note
also that you are not living with him.  This means that he is likely to behave
better to you than he would do if he had greater access to, and power over,

could be various reasons for his behaviour – none of them particularly
reassuring.  But the bottom line is this:


  • two
    wives have already left him. Why?  (And were there more?)
  • He
    doesn't trust women,
  • He is
    emotionally inaccessible
  • He is
    very insensitive to your feelings
  • Far
    from supporting you at a very difficult time, he is actually wanting you to tone
    down your response; presumably so that you will be easier to be around for him –
    because you will be less needy
  • He is your partner, and yet you feel very alone

doesn't sound good.

the fact that you have doubts tends to suggest that, deep down, you know this
relationship is far from healthy.

your parent's health problems, you need someone who will be there for you, not
someone who will add to the emotional problems you have to deal
with, by his emotional detachment from you.

last question: you say: "he appears to care"; how do you know that he does

can't see how he cannot be emotionally abusive.  And he certainly is damaging to

to have to say that to you.





Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

Leave a comment

The 5 Simple Steps to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Over the next 5 days, I'll send you some lessons and tips that I've found have really helped women to heal from narcissistic abuse.  Starting with the basics.

Connect with me on Instagram

Want daily reassurance and inspiration? Sign up to my Instagram account. @dr_anniephd