Catherine Behan asks: “Should You Stay Or Should You Go?”

15 Aug 2010

You  know how you sometimes have to hear something several times, before you really hear it?  

Well, Catherine Behan's starting point is a very different one to mine.  This blog focuses on helping women to get out of an abusive relationship and get over it.  Catherine is passionate about helping people attract the love of their life.   But still, she has some great advice and techniques for any woman who is hurting from relationship breakdown.  

Who knows?

Maybe the way she says it is exactly the way you need to hear it right now.

A friend of mine is just separating from her husband and hearing the fatigue, bigstockphoto Talk To The Hand 2387841 300x200 Should You Stay Or Should You Go?depression and sadness in her voice triggered this question:

How do you know when it is time to let go of a decaying relationship? The word “decaying” may give you a clue.  If you are miserable, exhausted and disenchanted with your relationship, chances are you are making a decision from a place of anger or fear.

Leaving a relationship is never easy, but if you do it with FEAR or ANGER being your motivator, you are setting yourself up to repeat your pattern with a new partner. The key to detaching yourself from a relationship that is no longer right for you, is to make your decision from a place of SELF LOVE instead.

How in the world do you get beyond the HURT, FEAR AND ANGER and find the SELF LOVE that is underneath it all?  Believe it or not, it is easier than you think.  It all starts with your thoughts.

The most powerful words I can share with you today are the FIVE WORDS THAT COMPLETELY CHANGED MY LIFE.  Now, I am a bit dramatic and love the turn of a phrase but I am serious.  These five words changed my life.

What You Focus On Expands.  Period.

Chances are you have been focusing on your man’s faults.  Not that I blame you, I used to do the same thing.  In my first marriage, I didn’t know about the five magic words.  I was an expert at my ex-husbands faults and not only did I focus on them, because I knew them so well (remember they expanded EVERYTIME I focused on them) I then made the “logical” next step….I began insisting he change those faults.

What a disaster! Through the divorce process, I searched and searched for answers.  I never wanted to divorce and I had to figure out what had happened to our once loving relationship.

My search led me to Abraham Hicks and the teachings on the Law of Attraction.  When I began to practice the Five Magic Words, choosing to focus on what I WANTED to expand, my whole perspective changed.

Now I am remarried and  nearing our fourth anniversary, the blush of honeymoon passion has subsided and real life has settled in.  I consciously choose to focus on Larry’s strengths, those things I truly admire. Even on a day when we are a bit cross with one another, my commitment to seeing only what I admire in him works  like a charm to get MY focus where I want it to be.

So how does all of this relate to someone whose relationship is ending? If you are ready to leave your guy, good.  You will find the whole process easier if you focus on what you WANT to see happening as you move on.  Focus on your future and your dreams.

But…if you are stuck in the fear, depression, anger and sadness and yet still care for your partner, find a support system (even Al-Anon can be a port in a storm) and begin to build up your positivity.  Leaving your relationship with more balance will help you move on more gracefully.

Besides, you don’t want to bring all of that emotional turmoil into your next relationship.  How can you make this shift?  Try these suggestions to create an exit bigstockphoto Beautiful Woman In Grass 27060 300x225 Should You Stay Or Should You Go?strategy that works:

1.  Begin each and every day telling yourself something (anything) positive.Stand in front of the mirror (Thank you Louise Hay) and tell yourself:  “In this moment, I am safe and all is well.” or “You are looking good this morning!” or “I am proud of you.”

2.  Take out the trash. Author Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way, suggests writing three pages of whatever comes tumbling out when you get up in the morning.  She calls them Morning Pages.  The idea is to truly dump and then to burn your pages.  Amazing and powerful little tool.  Spill your guts, speak from the heart, write it and burn it.

3.  Find Connections. I have met the best people in meet up groups, at my area metaphysical bookstore and in classes and workshops.  Before that, when I was really struggling, I met great people in online forums and in coaching clubs.  Law of Attraction is amazing in bringing the exact right people into your life when you need them.  Just reach out.

4.  Take Responsibility. It takes two to tango.  Begin to be honest with yourself.  Yes, he has caused you a lot of headaches, bless him.  But you have caused him a lot of angst too.  I love H’ono p’ono, a Hawaiian healing method.  All you do is repeat:  I love you, Thank You, I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me.  Place your hand on your heart and say these four things while thinking of your soon to be ex.  You will feel waves of relief.

5.  Accept The Lessons. I remember Oprah talking about a difficult situation.  She asked, “What is the lesson here, let me learn it quick so I can move on.”  What about you?  Have you asked the Universe for the lesson?  Try journaling by using both hands.  With your dominant hand ask, “What is the lesson?” and with your non-dominant hand, write the answer.  Then ask again and again until you hear something from your Inner Being that brings relief.  Powerful tool.

Remember, you want to leave if that is the highest good, but more importantly, you want to leave with your dignity and your self concept intact.  You can move through this time with power and grace.  If I can do it, you can!

This article was first published in Catherine Behan's blog:   

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Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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