Being in an abusive relationship means you dream small and hope small – if you still dream and hope, at all. If you’re wishing for anything, you’ll be wishing to be “loved, and treated right, respected, and happy”, and a number of other things that all sound perfectly reasonable until…
Everything Susie said was self-critical. She should have jumped by now. She should have left her abusive husband. Susie wasn’t prepared to cut herself any slack at all. Intellectually, she knew everything I – or anyone else – could tell her. But, still, there she was, paralyzed… (Because it’s not what you know with your head that matters; what matters is getting your heart to the point of letting go of a relationship that does NOT work.)
Susie’s knowledge hadn’t percolated through to heart level, yet.
Falling-In-Love, as far as I can see, is about leaping without looking. Falling-In-Love lays you open to the whole unsavory pack of jerks, abusers, and narcissists. I asked my client whether she would take a job without first finding out about the pay and terms of employment. She sounded surprised. She answered, briskly: “Of course not.” Then she saw the connection. You don’t have to fall in love on Day 1, Day 2, or Day 20. Falling-In-Love is optional, not obligatory – although it is a neat way of silencing the little voice in your head that says: “Er… I don’t think so. This one is NOT for me!”
Our children don’t need us to be perfect. Yes, they need us to be good enough, but they are generally prepared to set the bar far lower than we might do for ourselves. They are more likely to judge us by our intentions than our results, provided we are honest and respectful with them.
When you think about it, shame, self-flagellation and self-loathing burn up vast quantities of emotional energy utterly pointlessly. You might as well go outside and stand staring at your car – or for that matter anybody else’s car – and say: “Well, start then.” Willing it to start without starting the motor is not going to achieve the desired effect. Although it could leave you feeling seriously helpless and hopeless, if you had mistakenly believed that it might.
Over the next 5 days, I'll send you some lessons and tips that I've found have really helped women to heal from narcissistic abuse. Starting with the basics.
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