Christmas is nearly upon us – which means you have choices to make, as regards your emotionally abusive relationship.

Important choices.

You can tell yourself one of those feel-bad Christmas stories that emotionally abused women tell themselves about what you don’t have, and what doesn’t work for you… And I really, really hope you don’t, because I spent years and years doing just that, and it guaranteed that I felt absolutely dreadful.  Aas opposed to just plain bad. It meant that in my own mythology – which Mr my emotionally abusive partner picked up on, of course – I became The Christmas Pariah, the Woman with the Longest Face in Town. (It was a big town.)

So, let’s start with where you are now: your life is not exactly the way you would like it to be, this Christmas. That’s unfortunate. It really is. But I don’t want you to give yourself a hard time.  Let’s look instead at the gifts in the situation.

Christmas Gift #1

Your present reality is a product of your beliefs over the last year – or several years – about who you are, and what you deserve.

Those beliefs are a NONSENSE.

Truly.

Certain emotionally abusive people around you have treated you as if you were worthless.

That doesn’t make it true.  . 

Christmas Gift #2

An emotionally abusive partner who makes nasty, damning judgements about you, is someone who is standing at a crossroad, and has decided to be nasty and damning.

That has nothing to do with you.

Christmas Gift #3

How you feel, when you feel terrible, is NOT who you are: it’s just a feeling.

You are so much more than just a feeling. You are a person with a loving heart who does a lot of good in the world. There are many people in your world who have cause to be thankful for your presence in the world. We’re not talking about your emotionally abusive partner and his cohorts. We’re talking about the people whose lives you have brightened with your personality, and your gifts. They could be children, clients, friends, co-workers, acquaintances. You have lifted their spirits, eased their path, and brightened their days. That says a lot about your true worth. Deal with it!

Christmas Gift #4

2013 is nearly over. If it’s been a tough year for you, I’m genuinely sorry. Look for the gift in your unhappiness. That happiness came about because of the emotionally abusive situation in which you were living. You’ve tried to change the feelings while sticking with the situation. That didn’t work. That tells you something important. You need to let go of your attachment to the situation – it is only a situation.  Focus instead on changing the feelings. You cannot get off the hamster wheel that is your emotionally abusive relationship, while you are clinging to it, for dear life, with one hand. Let to, and let God – if that saying works for you. You’ll be amazed how easily feelings can change – for the better – once you let go of your attachment to a situation that’s causing you massive pain. Let 2013 be the year in which you make a valuable mind-set shift.

Christmas Gift #5

Mind-set shifts usually come in with a whimper, rather than a bang. As the novelist Chaim Potok said:

“Beginnings are always difficult.”

The beginning of your new mind-set may feel like a dismal failure. That’s because you want to take that first step and be rewarded with a firework display worthy of Disney World. Be aware that that is not going to happen.  (Besides, even if it did, you’d be so busy looking backs rather than forward, you’d doubtless miss it, anyway.) 

You may just have to take two, or three, or even four little steps before you start to see where you’re going.  You probably won’t get the firework display.  But you know what happens even after a really great firework display, don’t you? The sky goes dark again, it’s all over, and everybody goes home, and Life carries on just the way it was.

What we’re talking about is not a one-off firework display but living in a whole new landscape.

Once you start taking those steps, you’ll start seeing new scenery. Things that you didn’t expect will start to happen.  Things will start to get better…

And keep on getting better.

Getting a new perspective on the emotional nightmare you’ve been through can be your golden ticket into a Wonderful 2014, and a bright future.

If you even half-believe it, and take the first timid steps forward, that bright, happy future will be yours.

Warm wishes for your healing and happiness this Christmas.