"Dear Annie,
I very recently (last week) "ended" an emotionally abusive relationship. As
I struggle to recover, I turned to Google for help and stumbled upon your
blog. I have found your words very wise and inspiring , and that is why I am
writing this email. I will definitely spend the next few days reading most
if not all of your posts, but I know already that these posts are targeted
towards the major group of emotionally abused women, of which I am not a
part. In other words, I am hoping that perhaps you are able to offer me
some advice that you haven’t offered on your blog."
My situation was different, as regards the details, certainly. But the bare bones of the situation were pretty much interchangeable.
So my first question to you is this: how do you
know you are not a part of the major group of emotionally abused women? What
characterizes them? And what sets you apart?
Of course, a lot of women
who have found themselves in abusive relationships believe the are not part of
the major group. It may be because we are bright, or middle class, or feisty,
or financially independent or, you choose… The list goes on and
on.
I’d be more interested in what you share with the majority of abused
women. And you share so much:
your anger,
(which seems to balance out, if not outweigh, the belief that you deserve more)
makes you susceptible to his view of relationships and ‘the real
world’
chance’
addiction’…
but I certainly won’t be putting my money on it.
about him. (Although I have a very clear picture of what made the relationship
so painful and destructive.)
in the future, you both have a great deal of individual healing to do before you
can possibly support each other in a constructive way. The chance of helping
each other along your healing path is one of those charming myths that Hollywood
loves: two broken people finding their way to wholeness together is pure
celluloid, IMHO. You both have huge amounts of baggage and until you both clear
that baggage you will continue to stumble over it, bruising your head and your
heart.
individuals. When you have done that, separately, if you still want to be
together, then great. You will come together as different people to the people
you currently are.
already know, an abusive relationship undermines your beliefs and values, and
subverts your whole view of the world. Abused women need to test and replace
each abusive belief, often one belief at a time.
can be a delightful, joyous experience. But it is ongoing. The abused women
who fail tend to be those who want to finish their journey and get on with their
life fast. They are the ones who fall back into the same pattern.
it to empower and educate others. You can use it to enrich your view of the
world. You can use it to grow into the wonderful, wise, strong, loving woman
you truly are.
and you will just become a pale shadow of yourself.
read and I can’t blame you if you don’t. Your case may be the
exception to the rule. It may, but statistically speaking, it probably
isn’t. If I am right and you opt for healing yourselves separately and then
coming together if you still want to, you miss out on the comfort of the quick
fix and both grow your lives. Or you could just prove me wrong. If you do so,
then I would love to hear your happy ending. (In all my years of doing this
work, I haven’t heard one yet.)
of a book by Karol Truman: "Feelings buried alive never die".
Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.
The 5 Simple Steps to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
Over the next 5 days, I'll send you some lessons and tips that I've found have really helped women to heal from narcissistic abuse. Starting with the basics.
