New Year’s Resolution for Old Hurts

03 Jan 2019

How was New Year’s Day for you?

When I was with the wasband, New Year’s Eve always felt like a momentous time.  Chiefly because I was always glad to see the back of another terrible year   Every year was terrible because every year is terrible when you have a toxic partner.  There is so much that you wish you could put behind you and forget.  Except that it keeps on happening.

Every New Year’s Eve I hoped against hope that the New Year would  herald miraculous improvements.  On New Year’s Day I often resorted to magical thinking.  Maybe if I could just get New Year’s Day right by being the best possible version of myself, then the wasband and the rest of the year would follow suit.

Needless to say, it never did. You cannot build a good life with a toxic partner.

Since being with my lovely partner, New Year’s Day has become another blessed day of peace and joy.  It is another peaceable day when do what works for us.  We do not make anything special of it.  Nor did we need to. We both believe that every day is special and valuable. We don’t need to jump through hoops to make it so.

Somehow that led me to thinking about the whole business of New Year’s Resolutions.    Wonderfully lucrative though they may be for the fitness and dieting industries, they habitually result in a high failure rate.


Resolutions versus resolution

There is a difference between taking the resolution to do things that work better for you and implementing those things on a consistent basis.

What gets in the way?

The resolution of the underlying issue that caused the “bad” habit of behaviour in the first place.

Mostly, people “let themselves go” for a reason.  That reason is, in essence, that they do not regard themselves as worthy of their own care and concern.

That means what really matters is not “Resolutions” but resolution – in other words, resolving the underlying driver of the damaging lack of care and concern for your own self.

You see, all the resolutions in the world will not work – not even in mysterious ways – to resolve your deep pains. Long before I ever met the wasband, my parents had effectively taught me that my emotional wellbeing was unimportant. They never said it in so many words. But children learn what they experience.

My own experience – and this has been confirmed by the testimony of hundreds of clients, also – has proved this to be true. Plenty of parents and family members simply do not regard the wellbeing of a family member as important, sadly.

That is a big issue for a person to have to confront. On the other hand, no long-term good will come from avoiding it.  The recipe for happiness lies in resolving the pain of the past and embracing your own worthiness.

What you do not address remains unresolved

What you do not address, inevitably, remains unresolved. Burying pain, only means that it will manifest itself in unexpected ways, at inconvenient times with a thoroughly uncomfortable intensity.  (Not that any time will ever be convenient.)  Plus, lugging it around with you, unresolved, results in an awful lot of your energy going into “servicing”  it.

Often, when we embark on our healing journey – or, more correctly, when circumstances force us to embark on our healing journey – we try to work things from the outside in.  Once we can demonstrate some kind of external success , we tell ourselves, then we can start to feel better about ourselves.

Sadly, that type of approach only works to a very limited degree.  No amount of achievement can heal the old wound of feeling unlovable – any more than installing a super new kitchen can disguise having an overflowing septic tank parked just outside the back door.

On the other hand, when you tackle that old wound of feeling unlovable, the resultant self-belief facilitates all kinds of previously unattainable achievement.

So, I am really excited to start the New Year by offering you a totally free webinar all about New Year’s Resolution, how you can get clear about what is really standing in the way of your confidence, drive and happiness, as well as what you can do to get beyond these obstacles.

This is going to be a game-changing way of looking at past wounds and healing them, designed to help you to make a major emotional shift into confidence, self-esteem and happiness.

Right now, this is all I can say about it.  The idea fell into my lap, as it were, this afternoon and I have still to put all the practicalities together.  But just keep an eye on your Inbox and I will update you as soon as possible.  Meanwhile, let me wish you a Happy New Year’s Resolution.

Warm wishes for your healing and happiness,




Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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