15 Things You Need to Know about Abusive and Narcissistic Partners

19 May 2018

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who treated you badly? Have you asked yourself, why do they behave like that? In this article we’re going to be looking at the 15 things you need to hear about abusive and narcissistic partners.

What I’m going to be sharing with you are the things that partners of emotional abusers and Narcissists really need to hear – in such a way that it finally makes emotional sense to them.  Maybe you need to hear these things, too.  But, for now, let’s get underway with the overview.  Depending on your preferences you can either read the post or watch the video.

Point #1  Abusive and Narcissistic Partners don’t want your happiness.  When you stop to think about it, that actually makes sense.   The answer to the question, “How can they treat me that way?”is simple.  They can do that – quite easily – because they don’t want your happiness.

Point #2,  Abusive and Narcissistic Partners use the “L” word, -that’s “love” to you and me – for leverage. For them, the “L” word is NOT about loving you, it’s about having leverage over you so that you do what they want you to do.  They know that you will do almost anything for Love.

Point #3 Abusive and Narcissistic Partners, are termed narcissistic for a reason. As you have probably already sensed , the relationship truly is all about them.  As they see it, it is only right that your entirely world – and your happiness – should revolve around doing everything possible to make them happy. (Of course, you will fail. But that’s another story.)

Point #4 Abusive and Narcissistic Partners  don’t mind hurting you. Since the relationship is all about them anyway, when they hurt you that’s just collateral damage.  They don’t have a problem with behaving vilely in order to get what they want.

Point #5 Abusive and Narcissistic Partners tell an awful lot of lies.   You probably already know that they do tell lies . However you may struggle to admit to yourself that they do so deliberately because it serves their purpose. Truth is a lot less important to them than getting what they want.  In fact, for them, truth is relative.  Whatever they want to make you believe at the time becomes their truth.

Point #6 Abusive and Narcissistic Partners have a very inflated idea of their own worth. You know their whole self-aggrandizing routine.  They tell you, “You’re very lucky to have someone as wonderful as me” and “You’ll never meet anyone as wonderful as me again.”

One part of them truly believes this. Sure, another part may not and may even feel that they are far from great.  Nevertheless, they still believe that – in comparison to you – they are relatively wonderful.  They use the device of putting you down to make themselves feel better.

Point #7 Abusive and Narcissistic Partners are absolute drama queens. They are always quick to throw an epic hissy fit, a tantrum or a sulk.  They do that because it serves their purpose – which is to keep you from being on an even keel. All the drama that they generate drains and confuses you – exactly as it is intended to.

Point #8  Abusive and Narcissistic Partners never give you the apology that you need.  Even if they say they are sorry, they don’t mean it.  They do not act sorry for any length of time.  Not in any way that is going to bring about a change in the relationship that will make you feel better.

Point #9 Abusive and Narcissistic Partners have no intention of changing for you ever. They are not interested in changing. From their point of view it ain’t broken. Why would they do anything about fixing it? The relationship works for them – after a fashion – and as long as it works for them they have nothing to gain by changing.

Point #10  Abusive and Narcissistic Partners always break their promises. They do that for a reason. They don’t need to keep their promises. They may need to make promises from time to time to keep you on side.  But that is a very different thing to keeping promises.  Keeping their promises diminishes their sense of their own power.

Point  #11 Abusive and Narcissistic Partners have  a lot of “Potential”.  Every emotionally abused woman I have ever spoken to talked about the potential of her man to be wonderful. Actually that potential is only ever the bait to get you hooked. It is not something that abusive and narcissistic partners grow into.  In reality, they have no need or wish to grow into that potential. It serves no purpose for them. To their way of thinking, they are fine just the way they are, thank you very much.

Point  #12  Abusive and Narcissistic Partners see you in the worst possible light. They say the most awful things to you with devastating conviction, as if they were stating undeniable truth. They do that for a reason. They are working a kind of seesaw technique:  the more they can see you – and get you to see yourself – as being really awful, the more they see themselves as some kind of wonderful. They are the upside of the seesaw to your downside.

Point #13 Abusive and Narcissistic Partners  see themselves as victims. Now this point is truly counterintuitive.  In their eyes, they are the victims of your attacks. Their bad behavior is invariably triggered by something that you did or did not do, or else, said or did not say. Now, it takes a lot to take this idea on board – because of its manifest absurdity.  However abusive and narcissistic partners honestly feel that if you’re not doing everything they want, their way, in their time, they are your victim. That does not give you a lot of leeway in your life with them.

Point #14. Abusive and Narcissistic Partners  may be chronological adults but they are emotional toddlers. Do not be fooled by the fact that they look like grownups, go out in the world and appear to be received as grownups. When they are with you, they behave like emotional toddlers who throw temper tantrums to get what they want. Sure, it’s a lot more frightening when you have a chronological adult throwing a temper tantrum.  But the fact remains that they are emotional toddlers. You cannot have an adult relationship with an emotional toddler. Unless you want to be their mother. But why would you?

Point #15 Abusive and Narcissistic Partners  can help it. They may or may not be sick – that is a separate issue.  But they behave the way they behave because they are actually profoundly –  intentionally – manipulative. They choose to exploit you for everything you have to offer.

There you have a brief overview of what you need to hear about abusive and narcissistic partners. Obviously there is a ton more that can usefully be said on the topic. I will go into more depth about individual points in future articles and videos.  So, if you have not already signed up for my free “Little Recovery Toolkit” and content, be sure to do so here.


Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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