What You Really Need In 2017

28 Dec 2016

What do you really want in 2017?

What do you really want, and need in 2017? If you are anything like most emotionally abused women, then you will be saying, “I really need a better year than this last year.” “I need a year when things finally go right.” “I need him to stop driving me crazy,”

That’s called Hoping-the-Future-Will-Be-Slightly-Better-Than-The-Past.   Doing that means you are setting the bar really, really low for yourself.  (Have you not already noticed that Mr Nasty can get very low indeed, so that for him getting under The Lowest of Low Bar is no problem, at all?)

When you focus on,

  1. how you don’t want things to be, or else
  2. how they could be slightly less awful

you set yourself up for major disappointments.   When you are anywhere that an emotionally abusive partner can reach you, you live at rock bottom with a  Very Low Bar that Mr Nasty can always shimmy under.

Throughout the years spent “rocking the misery “at Rock Bottom with my Mr Nasty, I missed something very important.  If a thing was (slightly) less awful, that did not make it good. That didn’t even make it good enough.  All that ever made that thing a slightly diluted kind of awful.

Why would anyone want to swallow that on a regular basis?

What you really need in 2017 is to look beyond settling.

The holiday season is a great time for relationships – bad relationships – to finally break down.

If you are one of those whose relationship has finally reached the end of the line, look forward – not back.  Look forward to the day when you can say, “That was the best thing that ever happened to me. At the time, I didn’t know if I could even survive without him. Now, I bless the day!”

The time WILL come when you will say that.

So, instead of waiting for that day to finally dawn, help it, already. Anticipate that day. Think how good it will feel when you catch a glimpse of him somewhere – across a room, in a photo, or on Facebook – and think, “What a creep! I am so grateful he is no longer in my life.  My life is so much more peaceful and enjoyable without him.”

An emotionally abusive husband comes with a guarantee

Contrary to what you may believe, an emotionally abusive husband does come with a guarantee. He comes with a 100% No Money Back Guarantee of Lasting Unhappiness.  (Yes, we both know that he probably promised you something different. However, we both know that emotionally abusive partners are complete and utter liars.)

So, when emotional abusers say, “Darling, I just want to make you happy…*”  they are just being economical (that is tight-fisted) with the truth. What they really mean is, “Darling, I just want to make you unhappy.”  That is their mission statement. Why would they bother to change something that works for them?

Who would want another year that is even remotely similar to the one that they just had, in the shadow of an emotionally abusive partner?

Suppose you felt you had a choice between,

  1. more of the same, with some minor modifications
  2. a fresh start leading to lasting happiness and fulfilment.

Chances are, you would choose b).  The only thing that might get in the way of you choosing b) would be a belief that you either did not deserve, or could not have it.

That is why it is so important to start looking forward. You need to start looking forward so you can get into the habit of seeing yourself as the kind of person that good people and good things happen to.

You don’t have to believe it, 100%. However, you do have to open to that possibility. Good things have happened to other women who felt just like you do now – including me.

Once upon a time, I used to spend my holiday season poring over the latest cookbooks, hoping that I could just feed Mr Nasty into a “personality reassignment”.

That didn’t work, of course. (He just needed bigger trousers!)

However, for as long as I spent posting substantial quantities of fabulous food down his neck, and dreading the future with him, nothing ever got any better (apart from my cooking, of course!).

Nothing ever got any better because I was focusing on everything but my future.  (Maybe I imagined that he was some kind of bee and if I only fed him enough pollen, sooner or later, he would produce the most marvellous honey for us both to sup on… Who knows?)

A life worth getting up for in the morning

Back then, I had a truly extraordinary capacity for putting up with things that I did not remotely enjoy – like Mr Nasty, and my marriage. I could do that because I never looked forward to having a life that was worth getting up for in the morning.

So, my question to you is this, “What do you really need in 2017?” I’m not asking, “How little are you prepared to get by on?” because that is no way to live. What I am asking is, “What do you need to enjoy being alive in 2017?”

Every time you look back over your abusive relationship, you receive a masterclass in what you don’t want.

Even if you say that you “still love him,” what you want – from him and with him – is the exact opposite of what is on offer. You know you want something much, much better than the table scraps you have with him – otherwise you would not be so unhappy.  However, he is never going to provide you with more.  That would be a total waste of effort on his part, given how little you are prepared to settle for.

As we head into 2017, you stand at a crossroad (as do we all). You can keep looking back at what you do not want and that is all you will get.

Or else, you can take the risk of discovering what you do want, and need. That requires a little bit of effort – although less effort than staying put in Mr Nasty’s Hell. However, the little bit of effort that looking forward entails WILL bring you more joy, fulfilment and self-worth than you could possibly imagine


Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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