Why Does He Want Me To Be Unhappy?

13 Sep 2016

Why does he want me to be unhappy? My client asked.  She had travelled beyond that stage of denial when you say, “Yes, but he loves me really.” She had stopped obsessing about what he was really thinking. Now she wanted the truth – even if that truth was hard to swallow.

Maybe that doesn’t sound like a big step forward but I assure you that it is. When women say: “Yes, but he loves me really.” (and other variants like including “Yes, but we love each other, really..”  they use the “L” word to blind themselves – and their listeners – to the reality.  When they say: Why does he want me to be unhappy? they accept that he is, quite literally, malevolent.  He wishes you ill.

Synonyms for “malevolent” include, “malicious, spiteful, hostile, baleful, bitter, poisonous, venomous, malignant, rancorous, vicious, vindictive, revengeful, spiteful and pernicious”. These words all describe an emotionally abusive partner to a tee.

My client has done everything that she can to love, support, and stand by her man. No wonder she asks, Why does he want me to be unhappy? You would think he would appreciate all that she has done for him – everything she has done to make him, and herself, happy.  But, of course, it doesn’t work that way.

In The Abusive Kingdom, happiness  is never on the menu.

An emotionally abusive partner comes at a relationship from an unusual place  – Planet Zog.  For him, nothing you do can ever be enough – in the light of everything he does for you. Allegedly.

An emotionally abusive partner expects the earth from you.  He expects far more – from you – than anyone could ever deliver. Then, when you fail to deliver the impossible, he feels entitled to throw as many hissy fits as he chooses.

But that is only one part of the answer to the question,  Why does he want me to be unhappy?.

Abusive men hate women, in general.  They hate their partner in particular.

The fact that they actually hate women does not mean they necessarily avoid women.  They may make a habit of running after women.  They do this because they LOVE the thrill of conquest and the chase. However, they do not value the prize at the end of it.

You may be the prize when they are pursuing you.  But they only have to win you to experience that prize as worthless.

You only have to love an emotionally abusive partner to trigger a swift descent into worthlessness – in their eyes.  When you stop to think about it, that truly speaks volumes about how they see themselves.  Anything they can hold in their hands becomes contaminated and worthless..  (While I deplore the low value emotionally abusive partners put on you, their victim, I would not quibble with the low esteem in which they, ultimately, hold themselves.)

Many emotionally abused women understand how an abusive partner operates – with their head. Yet they continue to ask, Why does he want to make me unhappy? because they still fail to grasp it with their heart.

Why does an emotionally abusive partner want so badly to make you feel bad?

 An abuser  is not someone who has any idea how to be happy.  Nor does he value happiness.

There were times in my emotionally abusive marriage when I would step back from the lunacy long enough to ask myself, “What kind of idiot is he that he can’t appreciate how blessed we really are, and how good we have it?”

The short answer is, “An emotionally abusive man is a complete and utter idiot when it comes to happiness.”  He does not believe in it. He does not trust it. He does not have the faintest idea what to do with it.  Above all, he does not like it. In fact, he takes a very dim view (a VERY dim view, indeed) of happiness.

You have to understand that, in The Abusive Kingdom, Happiness is viewed as a dangerous state. Happy people are more likely to feel empowered, confident, and self-reliant than are unhappy people. A happy partner is far less likely to tolerate isolation than one who is constantly licking her wounds and asking herself: “What just happened? What did I do wrong?”

An emotionally abusive partner is not looking for an equal. He is looking for a small army of – unappreciated and unpaid – staff.  Your job description will likely include some – or all – of these,

  • Cook
  • Cleaner
  • Wife
  • Mother
  • Second (first) income
  • Bank account
  • Accountant
  • Whipping boy
  • Purveyor of sexual services
  • Gardener
  • Driver
  • Social secretary
  • Events organiser

You may well be expected to perform other roles, besides.

An emotionally abusive partner walks the earth carrying an enormous weight of loathing. He loathes most everyone. At some level, he loathes himself, as well as you.  Part of your job is to carry that burden of loathing for him.  The more of that loathing he can dump on you, the better he gets to feel about himself.  (I’m not suggesting that he is ever likely to feel really good for very long.  The nearest he will get is to feel less bad – by making you feel worse.)

That is why they cannot bear it when you are happy – or even half-way happy.  It means that you have put down their load.  It means you are not fulfilling your role In their lives properly. It means that they are not getting their “happy” pay-off from observing your unhappiness.

When you are bent double under their load of negativity and loathing, you take a huge weight off their shoulders.

That is despicable – but, then, so are they.

In reality, like everything else about an emotionally abusive relationship, it really is NOT about you.  When women ask, Why does he want me to be unhappy?, they ask a good question – inasmuch as it leads to an enlightening answer.  However, there is a better question that emotionally abused women need to ask themselves.  That question is, “Why should I tolerate this unhappiness any longer?”  He is certainly not worth it.


Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

6 thoughts on “Why Does He Want Me To Be Unhappy?”

  1. This is the most eye opening information I have found! Thank you. I have been asking the wrong questions and have been in denial about my husband

  2. This has helped me and has also left me feeling really sad. Whenever I accomplish something he is annoyed, mad, and starts to just say mean things to me. You’re right I should not tolerate being unhappy anymore. A small part of me feels like if I just leave him….then maybe he will change and treat me better. But the sad part is realizing that this isn’t going to happen for me. I’ve been with him for 4 years and I’m in my 30’s now. I’m left feeling like I’ve wasted valuable time with him. I feel stuck or just like I have lost a great bit of myself. I feel like he has a piece of me. I’ve tried to shake him and those feelings but it is incredibly hard. I really think I may need some counseling after all this. Is it possible that maybe you could point me in the right direction.

    • It sounds like you do need help.

      Without knowing more about your situation and what precisely you are looking for, it would be hard to know what would be the best fit for you. However, one thing is for sure: you need to work with someone who specialises in this specific area. Not all counselors and therapists are the same.

      If you are looking for the kind of information and resources that will help you to help yourself, I would urge you to check out my Break Free Membership.

      Warm wishes for your healing and happiness,



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