Do You Do This, Too?

09 Mar 2015

What sets emotionally abused women apart from other women?

What do you think?

Q:  Is it, do you suppose, that they are in some way worth less?  Are they, in any way, less lovable, less deserving, less womanly, less loving, less able, less attractive, less intelligent, less  anything you could care to name?

A:  No, of course not.  Emotionally abused women have listened to so many accusations, and damning judgements about themselves that they’ve been brainwashed to feel less worthy.

But that’s not what sets them apart.

What really sets them apart is their selflessness – by which I mean, they treat themselves as if their own wants, needs, values, and beliefs are of no importance.

Worse still, that selflessness is fuelled by a terrible fear of being judged selfish.

Yes, it’s absolutely true.  Selfishness Personified, aka your emotionally abusive (ex)partner, says you’re selfish: therefore you must be…  Allegedly.

After all, what an emotionally abusive man doesn’t know about selfishness isn’t worth knowing, is it?

Let me share with you an industry secret.  The training for becoming a judge of other people’s selfishness is quite rigorous.  The qualifications are:

  • you have to be very good at shouting other people down
  • you have to be very, very self-centred
  • you have to be very, very judgemental.

Not everyone can do that work.  But you’ve had a very close relationship with someone who excelled at it.

That’s them.  Let’s come back to you.  Let’s look for a moment at what your selflessness means.  What it really means, in a nutshell, is you don’t – ever – put yourself at the heart of your own world.

It’s a dangerous way to live.  It means you are open to having your living space overrun by  someone out to expand his own none too pleasant – empire.  It means you will be fabulously loving and giving towards your children, and loved ones.  But you don’t necessarily teach them to behave the same way towards you.  Especially if you assume that people will do unto you as you have done unto them.  Your life hasn’t panned out that way too often, has it?

People learn from the training you give them.

Life changes when you start to change your expectations and change that training.

This week, I’ve been working with a woman of 70.  She’d reached the point of desperately wanting her life to change.  At 69, another Wonderful Man has let her down with a resounding thud, after she’d stepped aside to let him take centre stage in her life.  It’s taken her 70 years to realize she’s been carrying around a burden of disappointment, and not feeling good enough, throughout her life.    She finally woke up and was terrified she’d be stuck with those feelings to her dying day.

“Is it too late for me?” she asked.

We’re forever told – or telling ourselves  – it’s too late.

But is it?

Not at all.

It’s not as if after a certain age your thoughts and feelings become cast in concrete.  Clarice had reached the age of 70 without exploring her old beliefs and programming.  But she’s an intelligent woman, and she’s hungry for the happiness she feels she has missed.  Now, finally,  Now she’s discovering how it feels to be free of that old burden so she can experience, as she puts it, “the joy and glee of being fully alive”.

If Clarice can let go of that burden of selflessness, so can you.

Are you ready to finally admit that you matter enough to yourself to matter to other people also?

If the answer is a “Yes” – and why wouldn’t it be? –  the proven Complete Relationship Turnaround system is guaranteed to show you exactly how to put yourself where you deserve to be right at the heart of your own world.  Check it out NOW.


Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

Leave a comment

The 5 Simple Steps to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Over the next 5 days, I'll send you some lessons and tips that I've found have really helped women to heal from narcissistic abuse.  Starting with the basics.

Connect with me on Instagram

Want daily reassurance and inspiration? Sign up to my Instagram account. @dr_anniephd