How Emotional Abuse Blinds You

23 Dec 2014

Emotional abuse blinds you to so much that is truly important.  That’s why Christmas and New Year are some of the worst days in the calendar for emotionally abused women.  It’s the time of year when the media bang on about perfect, happy families – and I bang on about the media driving the sad, the lonely, and the heart-broken to distraction. 

We should, it seems, all be young, beautiful, loved up, coupled up, familied up, financially and emotionally abundant.  We should all radiate happiness.  If we don’t fit that mould then – we conclude – we’re failures.

But let’s get real: emotionally abused women always start from the premise that they are failures.

What makes them failures?

The answer is simple: Emotionally abused women are failures – allegedly – because they can’t win the love of an emotionally abusive man.

There’s just one small thing we women, and the media, forget: emotionally abusive men simply do not like to participate in a Lovefest.  Even less so, if everyone else is doing it.  These guys love to stand out: mostly they do it by being as nasty and critical as they possibly can.  You just have to understand that they normally ‘earn their right’ to unfettered  jerkdom  by a short-lived – initial – show of charm.

Mr Nasty truly believes he is/ should be the centre of everyone’s world.  Your role is to support that belief.

And you do.

That’s how emotional abuse blinds you.

It gets in the way of you really believing what you know to be true: that the man is a jerk,  a relationship no-hoper, and a complete and utter mill-stone round your neck.

More importantly emotional abuse blinds you to who you are.

This week, I’ve had more wonderful feedback from women who’ve been working through my programs. Including this:

“I started your program, “The Woman You Want” to Be 3 weeks ago.  Since beginning your program many things have started to change for me. Small but huge because I am making progress. In the first week I started to eat more. I had lost weight over this past year I was in horrible shape. I was down to 116 and in the first week up to 122.   I have also stopped drinking. Not that I would drink every day. But   I have been afraid to leave my house and had a lot of anxiety so a few times a week I would drink beers at home.  The desire is gone because of the program after the first week my anxiety went down 70%. I have started to make other small but important changes. I do not completely understand how this is working but the important thing is that it is working.   I know I have a very, very long way to go to function the way I need to but I am optimistic and have hope. I am making progress.” V.  

Naturally, I’m thrilled for V; thrilled, and privileged, to have a hand in her healing process.  But what does V’s feedback really show?

If she can move on from such a dark place in a matter of 3 weeks, it shows that she has tremendous – innate – strength and a wealth of personal resources.   She didn’t have a personality transplant.

What V’s feedback shows is that, until 3 weeks ago, she was blind to who she really is.

Think about it: if she had had any idea that she was the strong woman she has now shown herself to be, do you think that she would have been in such a bad way?

I don’t know exactly what Mr Nasty said to her, and what he did to diminish her, but I have a good idea.  Before he ever came along, she wouldn’t have had too good a sense of self.  That would have been part of her attraction for him.  He did his best to destroy what sense of self she had.

After all, from his point of view, it served no useful purpose.

And he  F-A-I-L-E-D.

Despite putting all his skill, artistry and malevolence into it.

He failed because there was so much more to her than either of them believed.  And, ultimately, that strength, those resources were not going to go away.

That’s not just her.  That’s every client I’ve ever worked with.  That’s you, too.  And it’s me.   

This Christmas and New Year let the media carry on trumpeting their message of material well-being and (largely, mythical) happy families.  They’re paid to project a fantasy.  You don’t have to buy into it.  Instead turn your eyes to the reality of V, and you, also.  Don’t let emotional abuse blind you any longer.


Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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