How Emotional Abuse Recovery Coaching Changed A Life

28 Jan 2014

motherheniismallOne thing my emotionally abusive husband used to say about me that wasn’t wrong was that I can be a bit of a mother hen.  I was born with the Mother Hen gene.  These days I can, and do, rein it in, well enough.  However…

When I first met Olga that Mother Hen gene was instantly activated.  She was so young, so vulnerable, and SO hurt. 

She reminded me of me at the same age: so very young, vulnerable, and confused; unable to make sense of why anybody could be so cruel… unless it was somehow her fault.

It wasn’t hard to see how the future could pan out: the emotionally abusive relationship(s), the crushing pain and humiliation, the damaging attempts to numb – or  run away from – from the pain that always ended up back at square one, the burning sense of shame, the burden of worthlessness, that feeling of being starved of love…

Seeing Olga, brought it all back. I so did not want that for her.  Or anyone else. 

Nobody should have to suffer that.   

Especially not on my watch.

Olga had her heart set on working with me.    But she didn’t hold out a lot of hope.   She was determined, and willing – even desperate – to learn and change.  But with the odds stacked against her the way they were, she didn’t expect much to come out of it.  Maybe a reduction in her pain.

Not on my watch.

She’d already chalked up one emotionally abusive partner.  But the real emotional abuser in her life was – I’m sorry to say – an impossible mother, a woman who came from a long line of emotional abusers.  That meant that Olga’s relationship with her father, too, was difficult. 

In fact, most of Olga’s relationships were difficult.  That’s the way it is when you don’t feel good about yourself. 

Olga and I didn’t work together for long: just a few months.  In that time, so many extraordinary things happened.  Her relationship with her father changed completely.  They’ve become close to each other in a way that was never possible before.

She’s established a healthy, supportive relationship with a loving partner.  And Olga is NOT over-giving, or needy, in any way.  She’s confident enough to voice her own needs, wants, and boundaries – to a man who is happy to respect them.  She’s become a strong woman.

She’s moved on from a job that was barely adequate to a job that will pay her much better – a job she would previously never have dared to even apply for.  And she has developed her interpersonal skills to build strong relationships with clients that will be lucrative for her and the company she works for.

What’s more she now has the courage to start her own business, and already has someone virtually biting her hand off for the product she had not even created yet.

She was programmed for stress, so that was something else we worked on.  Here’s what she wrote afterwards:

“After our last session I got a lot of energy, because I don’t get stressed any more. I just work.  And I’m being productive. I’ve already seen results at my job.  I’ve done more on the program I’m developing for my own business during recent days, than during the previous two and a half months. Ideas just light up in my head!  That’s amazing I now live my life wholeheartedly.”

By the way, English isn’t even her first language.  It’s not even as if I’ve been coaching her in her mother tongue.

And, speaking of her mother, things have improved massively there, too.  Her mother hasn’t had a personality transplant.  But she’s doing what she can to be nicer.  Because Olga has been able to step back, understand where her mother is coming from, and why she behaves the way she does. 

So, while we’re not talking about the relationship suddenly becoming perfect – that NEVER happens with emotionally abusive relationships – it has become much more bearable for Olga.  She doesn’t feel rejected, or humiliated by her mother any more.   Her emotionally abusive mother probably won’t change terribly much  – that’s the nature of the beast.  But Olga knows that her mother no longer has the power to affect her.

And just to cap it all, Olga’s emotionally abusive ex-partner raised his ugly head again.  Unmoved, Olga wished him a nice life – sincerely – and bade him a cool, detached farewell.

mother henOlga has used emotional abuse recovery coaching to turn around every aspect of her life in just 3 months.  Mother Hen, here, is thrilled for her and, personally, a little sad.  My work with this lovely young woman is complete.  There’s always a touch of sadness when wonderful clients move on –  all my clients are wonderful, and Olga exceptionally so:-) 

Most of the women I work with are not nearly as young as Olga.  That’s because too many of us put up with years and years of misery before we finally admit to ourselves what we should have admitted long before – and that is that our life is awful, and we’ve stopped believing we deserve more, or can ever turn it around. 

The truth is, it’s never too late to start to create your joyful, rewarding life.   

How soon will you stop doubting whether it’s even possible, and just take that decision?


Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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