How Do You Start Over After An Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

24 Sep 2013

How do you start over after an emotionally abusive relationship when you don’t know how to start over? How do you find the courage to leave an emotionally abusive husband when you’re too frightened to leave, due to fear, guilt, or shame? How do you get over the hurt that, as an emotionally abused woman, you don’t believe you’ll ever get over?


Before you let the sheer enormity of the questions block you – yet again – there are a couple of things you need to know:

a) We’ve ALL felt that way. (Any woman who has ever left an emotionally abusive partner has struggled greatly – for months, years, or even decades – to find the courage to get beyond her biggest fear and do the thing she believes could well destroy her.)

b) the questions emotionally ALL abused women ask themselves, over and over again, are bad questions They will not move you any closer to finding the answers you need.

Have you ever lost something and taken a bit of a while to find it again – because you were looking in the wrong place?

Well, that’s exactly what you’re doing when you try to find the broken pieces of yourself in the wreckage of your emotionally abusive relationship.

They are not there.

Sure enough, the shattered fragments of your hopes and dreams lie scattered all around. But those hopes and dreams are not you; they just feel like you. You invested very heavily in those hopes and dreams and…

You lost your investment.

You lost your investment because it was a bad investment.

Most of us make a bad investment, or two, in the course of a lifetime; either financially, or emotionally, or both.

It happens. Nobody wants their investment to go belly up, but it happens. All the time. The important thing to hold on to is this:

That investment is not you. 

So, if that investment is not you, then where are you?

You are currently trapped underneath the wreckage. You’re bruised and battered but, essentially, intact. 

Which means, the issue is simply how you get out from under the wreckage, and how you, then, get on with your life.

Think about it for a moment.

If you want a life – that is to say, a life worth living – then you need to be free of the wreckage. You don’t want to be dragging that wreckage around with you for the rest of your life.  Why would you?

That wreckage is not who you are; it’s just what happened to you.

When you don’t get caught up in your emotionally abusive partner’s crazy-making behaviors, sooner or later, the day will come when he behaves less badly- because the pay-offs aren’t there for him.    

So, what do you need to do, instead?


How about getting a strategy?

You know that old expression: “When you fail to plan, you’re planning to fail.”

The one thing you absolutely cannot afford is another failure.

You don’t just need to get yourself out from under the wreckage, you need to start feeling very differently about yourself. You HAVE TO start giving yourself the message that you’re whole, valuable, and important. That’s NEVER going to happen for as long as you keep asking yourself the wrong questions.

The point about having a strategy is this: it beats having a ‘goal’, hands down. A strategy will give you the tools and know-how you need to get from where you are now to your goal.  Even if where you are now is the proverbial blue funk. 

 An – effective –  strategy is all about getting you into the mind-set of self-belief, and  the motivation, to reach that goal. Without that motivation, how easy is it to fall by the wayside?

How to get over an emotionally abusive relationship is NOT self-evident – otherwise you’d have got on and done it.  But there is a strategy to emotional abuse recovery that works really well, and really fast.  Because it’s targeted to clearing the key blocks you don’t even know are in the way.

See, it’s not enough to know what happened to you; allthough that helps.

It’s not enough to vent about what happened to you.  In fact, that becomes counter-productive, so that you end up stuck like a fly in aspic, reliving the thing you most want to leave behind you – do you not?

It’s not enough to talk about how you’d like your life to be different when, inside your own head, you’re still playing out the drama of being the unlovable, unworthy being Mr Nasty said you were.

strategyiismallWhat you need is the strategy that will teach you how to be You – your best YOU, the You you know – but don’t believe – you truly can be, without all the residual chains and fetters of Mr Nasty’s toxicity. Then, finally, you’ll be free to live YOUR – quality – life. 







Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

Leave a comment

The 5 Simple Steps to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Over the next 5 days, I'll send you some lessons and tips that I've found have really helped women to heal from narcissistic abuse.  Starting with the basics.

Connect with me on Instagram

Want daily reassurance and inspiration? Sign up to my Instagram account. @dr_anniephd