“Who will he be, next?”

16 Jul 2013

How could he do that? Will he ever change?” D. asked anxiously about her emotionally abusive partner. She’d reached the end of the line with him, she said. Like a lot of emotionally abused women, she really wanted to let go, be, be free, and move on. But she couldn’t leave her emotionally abusive relationship because…

Because she was waiting to see who he would be, next.

That’s the #1 activity in The Abusive Kingdom, isn’t it? Watching to see who he will be next?

Will your emotionally abusive husband be “Mr Gobsmackingly Offensive”? Will he be “Mr Momentarily Repentant”? Will he be “Mr Insincerely Charming”? “Will he be Mr Crazy-Maker”? Will he be “Mr Superdad”? “Mr I’ve Turned Over A New Leaf (honest, guv)”? Or will he just lapse into his signature role, “Mr Nasty”?

I would say, “Who cares?” But I know you do. Very much. (So, does he, actually. He’d hate all that theatrical talent to go to waste.)

Here’s another question for you:

WHY should you care?

When Mr Nasty rouses himself from his habitual celebration of what a wonderful person he is to put on his award-winning One (Nasty) Man show… Why should you care?

You care because you’re an emotionally abused women, and you’re still hoping there’s something in it for you: love, support, companionship, consideration trust…

All the things that never were on offer. And never will be.

He’s not that kind of guy.  

It’s not that kind of relationship, remember.  It’s an emotionally abusive relationship.  Love will only ever be in short supply.

But that doesn’t stop you hoping…

and hoping…

and putting your life, and your happiness on hold.

As long as you invest your hope in ‘things’ changing when your emotionally abusive man does, you do have one guarantee:

The guarantee that you are absolutely, and incontrovertibly – I fancied a BIG word to make the point –

W-A-S-T-I-N-G your time.

And feeling very hurt, and broken, and well… quite tragic.

In novels, women who suffered as you do are heroines. Tragic heroines. Sure, the novel tends not to end too well for them, but don’t we just emote with them? I spent years and years – sometimes lying in bed next to Mr Nasty, sometimes not – reading about such heroines, and weeping with them…

Broken lives may make for interesting reading – and interesting watching – but living them really isn’t much fun.

So, let’s turn our focus back to you.

What about you?

Having worked with so many emotionally abused women over the years, I’ve discovered something pretty powerful – and simple.

Here it is:

As long as you put your focus on him, and it – your emotionally abusive relationship – you won’t heal. You’ll remain reeling from the sheer awfulness of the experience. (Yes, it reallywas that AWFUL – and then some.) You’ve had an awful past. You may well be having an awful present…

It’s up to you whether or not you create an AWFUL future for yourself.

When you put your focus on you, you can expect to discover you’re not half as broken as you think you are. Please understand, I‘m not trying to minimize what you’ve been through, AT ALL. I’m just trying to offer you a better way of looking at your situation.

When I speak with women and they tell me they are broken, they make themselves sound like a piece of fine china that has fallen from a great height and been smashed into tiny pieces. There’s no way that china can be restored to its previous pristine condition.

That’s not how I see it.

A millenium or two ago, when I was a small child, I somehow got to play with the mercury from an old-fashioned thermometer. (Don’t ask me how it happened. I haven’t a clue. Although I do know that, these days, Big Brother from Health and Safety would have a field day with that.) Anyway, for those of you who have not had that experience, mercury is an interesting substance. It naturally forms itself into a little silver ball. You can squish it and break it up into as many smaller balls as you like and, gven half a chance, it will come back together into that same nice, fresh, pristine looking little ball.”

In that sense, you’re a lot like mercury. Mr Nasty has done his best to squish you into as many tiny pieces as he can… And, with a little help those pieces will come back together, and you will rediscover your joie de vivre, your passions, your reason for getting up in the morning, and much more besides.

So, enough about him. What about you?

Are you worth your own care and attention? 

If you’re ready to discover the things that are guaranteed to work to bring you back to wholeness and happiness, GO HERE.





Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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