What an Emotionally Abusive Man Really Feels

14 May 2013

 Today, we’re going to take a look at your emotionally abusive partner’s emotional range – which means this may well not be a very long article:-)

When you first met your Mr Nasty he may well have given the impression of being in touch with his feminine side.  Now, this could have been a ploy to manipulate your feminine side, but my guess is that something else was going on, as well:

  1. First, he was ticking the necessary boxes in order to establish his ‘Mr Nice Guy’ credentials
  2. He fondly imagines – maybe even believes – he personifies the finer feelings.  Where his own feelings are concerned, he shows an exquisite sensitivity. Mr Nasty can do wounded, and vulnerable.  He can do sensitive and hurt.  Maybe he can even do a bit of self-deprecating humor at the start of a relationship.  But woe betide you if you imagine you have the right to tease him gently, further down the line.
  3.  He enjoyed gawking at the reflection of his Mr Nice Guy mask in the mirror of your admiration.

It isn’t true of EVERY Mr Nasty clone, but a lot will go to some lengths to disguise their more unpleasant traits and feelings – until they feel confident they have their hook firmly in your flesh.

Once the mask has slipped, what’s left?

Overbearingness.  Mr Nasty is the ultimate Bully.  An emotionally abusive man thinks like a Bully, and acts like a Bully.  He might like to think he’s actually an Alpha Male, but he isn’t.  At bottom, he’s a wimp.

Self-pity.  Most emotionally abusive men have a talent for feeling very, very sorry… for themselves.  They truly believe that they had it so hard.  Curiously, this capacity for self-pity doesn’t translate into sincere empathy: for whatever you’ve been through.  Nor does it translate into a sincere (that word again) commitment to heal their past and move on.  Rather, they are fascinated and transfixed by their past.  Which probably shouldn’t be too surprising since they – sincerely – believe they are the most interesting person on the planet. 

Fury.  This they have in industrial quantities.  Think about a bubbling volcano.  When you “cross” them – which you can do with a look, or a smile, or a light-hearted word – expect a great outpouring of red-hot lava from them. 

Self-obsession. He’s just a tad preoccupied with himself and his world, isn’t he? 

Accusations and reproaches.  This man is a veritable mine of them, isn’t he?   He has accusations and reproaches for every occasion – and he’s not ashamed to come out with them, either. 

Deceitfulness.  He may well be aware of the truth.  But that doesn’t mean he feels any need to tell it, least of all where you’re concerned.  He works on the need-to-know principle: the only thing you ever need to know is what he finds it most useful to tell you. 

Outrage.  This man is J-U-D-G-M-E-N-T-A-L.  His sense of outrage is on a hair trigger.    That’s why he’s always heading off, like a bat out of hell, to The Moral High Ground to visit his interminably long, excruciatingly boring monologues on you.  (That man really can bore at the very highest level.) 

Vindictiveness.  Yes, I know you never wanted to believe that.  But that’s where all the evidence points – and the evidence doesn’t lie.

Changeability.  He can go from relative sunniness to Hurricane Henry in less time than the Texas weather.  But for all that, he suffers with terminal… 

Predictability.  He’ll do Nasty when he can get away with it, and he’ll do smarmy charm to get himself back into your good books, when absolutely necessary.  He’ll probably even turn his hand to Lovesick Swine, if he feels his financial well-being depends on it   But when you stop relating his behaviors to how you behave and, instead, relate them back to his intended outcome, you’ll see just how predictable he is.  

Cold-heartedness.   This one is really hard to take.  When he acts heartless, he knows exactly how powerful a hook that is for you.  You don’t want to believe it.  Who wants to believe that the man they love(d) is a heartless monster?  But the fact is… he’s monstrously heartless.  End of. 

So, what have we missed? 

His caring, sharing, fun side?  That comes – and goes – with the Mr Nice Guy mask.  That wasn’t about his potential – it was his a-c-t. 

A few more negatives: like his crazy-making, his cynicism, his bitterness, and his negativity?  I’m not denying them.  They do slot nicely into some of the other categories already mentioned. 

The bottom line is this: he doesn’t have a great range of feelings, and most of the feelings he does have, have precious little to recommend them.  Worse, there are a LOT of Mr Nasty clones in circulation.  (Sadly, there isn’t much chance of them being recalled to the factory any time soon.)  But there are also a lot of decent people, and decent men, out there, too.  

Mr Nasty’s world, is a nasty world.  It is not The World.  Don’t let him fool you into mistaking Nasty World for The Real World.



Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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