Why you shouldn’t hurry ‘Love’

04 Sep 2012

As I write this, I’m sitting here grinning to myself.  A quick flick through the morning’s papers states that a study by Cornell University reveals “Relationships that start slowly are more satisfying in the end”.  Couples who waited longer (6 months +) to become physically intimate, generally, are more likely to enjoy lasting happiness.  

Why should that be the case? 

Because they take the time to get to know each other, and assess their likely, long-term compatibility.  

Of course, there will be exceptions – there always are exceptions to every rule.  You actually have to use those early months thoughtfully to assess long-term compatibility.   That doesn’t mean simply listing the “tweaks and changes” a partner will need you to make – sooner rather than later.  If you manage to get through the requisite 6 months without spending very much time together for one reason or another, then that doesn’t really count either. 

Those early months can be used as a time for building a habit of mutual respectYou probably know that old saying: “Kissing don’t last, cooking do.”  It’s a bit of a dubious saying: certainly, in my long marriage, the cooking outlasted the kissing by a long, long time.  It created a powerful pattern of expectation.  And the wasband’s body weight increased by 50%.  Result!!!   


(Only joking.)  

A more useful saying would be this: “Infatuation doesn’t last.  The habit of mutual respect will.”  There’s a huge gulf between infatuation and love – which we can discuss next week.  For now, I’d like you to consider the habit of mutual respect.  

If you had had an ingrained pattern of self-respect, how long would you have stayed in the relationship?  

If you had truly insisted on a partner respecting and honoring you, how long would you have tolerated his behavior? 

If you had truly respected yourself, and your happiness, how long would you have spent with a partner who failed dismally to respect himself, and you, in the ways that truly matter. 

How often did your abusive partner ever say: “You know, darling, I truly respect you for…?” 

Still casting about in your mind trying to find one such occasion? 

Why doesn’t that surprise me? 

One of the things you didn’t respect was your own happiness.  I know that, because I didn’t either.  The assumption is that happiness is something other people confer on you; that it’s a reward, not a RIGHT.  

Well, it’s a RIGHT – an inalienable RIGHT.  

But you do have to learn how to get it.  

Most people don’t know how to do that.  In fact, it’s simpler than you may think.  This week, I’m offering you an amazing opportunity to discover how to create your own happiness. I hope you’re ready.


Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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