Top 10 Tips To GUARANTEE An Abusive Man Won’t Leave You Alone

28 Mar 2012

  1. Be sure to answer his text messages.  He’s sent you a text which means he, clearly, expects an answer.  So, you’d better give him one, hadn’t you?  No matter that he doesn’t answer your messages when it doesn’t suit him.  That’s different, isn’t it?
  2. Try very hard to have the last word.  I understand it means a lot to you.  But he never let you have the last word before, did he?  So, why do you suppose he’s going to change now? Chances are, for as long as he has a pulse he will still work on the principle that the last word is his prerogative.  He’s not going to surrender that to you lightly.
  3. Keep shouting louder in the hope he’ll finally listen to you.  We both know the reason why that is so important to you.  It’s because it’s never going to happen.  If he were bound hand and foot, and you had a megaphone within a few inches of his ear, and there was no way he could wriggle away, he still wouldn’t really listen to you, would he?
  4. Keep challenging what is.  You don’t like the way things have turned out, that’s understandable.  But that doesn’t mean you can change them just because you want to.  He’s happy enough with the way things have turned out.  As far as any kind of connection with you is concerned, his wishes outweigh yours.  Always have.  Always will.  End of story.
  5. Try to explain your feelings and decisions to him.  He hasn’t cared about them in the past.  Why do you suppose he’s going to start now?  The only thing that interests him is: “Can I still use her to gratify my own feelings of power and importance?  Or not?
  6. Tell him you still want to be his friend.  That translates into Abusive-Man-Speak as: “I’m still leaving the door open for you to muscle your way back into my life, whenever, and however, you like.”  Yes, you and I both know that’s not what you mean.  But that’s what he’s hearing, and that’s the option you’re making available to him.
  7. Tell him you still love him.  As #6.
  8. Keep apologizing for what you’re doing.  As #6
  9. Be there for him when he needs you – because you still love himYou already know he has an emotional age of about 2 – conservatively speaking, that is.  Which means that he’s bound to need you for something, sooner or later.  (By later read within the lifespan of the average moth.) Something will happen to really upset him.  It could be anything, honestly, anything it all, from trouble at work, to a sick family member, to an ingrowing toenail, or mild constipation, and he’ll need youIt’s that old “why keep a dog and bark yourself, scenario?”  Why would he shoulder any difficulties that you can shoulder for him?
  10. Keep the lines of communication open “just in case”…  Just in case WHAT?!!!  In case he’s bodysnatched?  (Much as I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, just because Jody Foster got seriously lucky with Richard Gere in “Sommersby”, that doesn’t mean you will.)  In case he finally gets a personality transplant?  Or you decide he is the ultimate Prize, the best this world of Seven billion people has to offer?


Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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