“Too miserable to stay, too frightened to leave”

30 Sep 2011

Camilla said: “I’m frightened to tell him it’s over because…”

Is that something you’ve ever said? Have you ever settled for doing nothing for fear of making the situation worse? If you want to break free from the paralysis of a bad relationship, so you can begin to trust yourself, and value your life, I invite you to check out my brand new 4 week Quick Start Help, Healing, and Happiness program.

Camilla was frightened to tell her abusive partner it was over because…

What do you think are the most common reasons women give for their relationship paralysis?

In no particular order, here they are:

  • “I’m terrified of what he’ll say to me.”
  • “I’m worried he’ll have a good relationship with someone else and what will that say about me?”
  • “I can’t manage without him.”
  • “Nobody else will ever want me.”
  • “I still love him.”
  • “It’s probably all my fault.”

Let’s take look at each of those reasons.

“I’m terrified of what he’ll say to me”.  How does that one work?  Are you saying that if you stay he’s going to:

a) speak nicely to you?

b) make you happy?

How happy are you now, when you’re too miserable to stay, but too frightened to leave? 

How much longer can you afford to be as unhappy as you are?

What is it doing to your physical, mental and emotional health?  Not to mention your quality of life?

“I’m worried he’ll have a good relationship with someone else?”  Really?!!  You’ve savoured the many delights of being in a relationship with him, so you know how good he is at good relationships.  (NOT!?  Besides, whose life are we talking about here, anyway?  Whose quality of life is at stake here?  His?  Or yours??

The sooner you stop focusing on his life, and start focusing on your own, the sooner your life will start to improve.

“I can’t manage without him.”  Are you sure about that?  If you feel so unhappy with him around that you are barely coping, is it really true that you will manage even worse without him?

That’s not what other women report.  What I hear from the women I work is this: once they leave they start to feel much, much happier.  They realize what a drain their abusive partner was on their lives.

Besides, can you really know what your future will hold?

Let me give you a hint: you know what your past held, and you know what your present holds.  In fact, you know exactly what Life holds for you while your abusive partner is on the scene .

But how can you possibly know what your life will be like with him out of it?

Since most of the pain in your life relates to him, logic is telling you that he and the pain go hand in hand.  (Isn’t it nice for him, that he goes hand in hand with something?  I’m guessing he hasn’t gone hand in hand with you, for a while.)  If it’s true that he and your pain go hand in hand, when you lose one, you lose both.

“Nobody else will ever want me.”  Now, how can you possibly say that?

All you know for a fact is that he doesn’t want you.

Sorry to be so blunt, but he certainly doesn’t want you enough to care about your happiness.  Which means that he really doesn’t want you in any healthy way.

“I still love him.”  You may love the dream, and you may love Mr Nice Guy who made a guest appearance, in a cameo role, at the start of your relationship.  But I’ve yet to hear from a single woman who says: “I love him for the jerk he is.  I love him for the way he constantly tramples on my feelings, rejects me, leaves me feeling worthless, and fills me with dread about what the future holds.”

If you truly loved the guy that he truly is, then you would love him just the way he is.

You don’t.

That’s understandable.

You love him the way you want him to be – and he has no intention of being.

You’re clinging to that dream the way a shipwrecked sailor clings to a piece of driftwood.

But you don’t have to be bobbing up and down, in splendid isolation, at the mercy of the sea.

You can let go of that piece of wood, and swim into shore.  Trust me, it’s much closer than you think – and you don’t have to do it alone.  I’ve done it, and I can help you do it.

“It’s probably all my fault.”  Isn’t it great that you’ve spent all this time with someone who makes all the rules?  He decides he is without fault, and then he casts the first stone, and the next, and the next.

He keeps throwing stones, and telling you it’s all your fault.

You wouldn’t buy it if a 5 year old came and told you, “It’s all Johnny’s fault that I’ve spent the day throwing stones at him”.

So why are you prepared to buy it from a partner?

We both know you’ve been trained to accept blame, but you don’t have to go on doing that.

Do you want to know how to let go of the blame, shame, fear, and rejection?

Do you want to know how to deal with negative thoughts as they come up, and tap into feeling happy, safe, and good enough?

Do you want to know how to shake off paralysis, feel happy and create a life to love? Check out my Quick Start Help, Healing, and Happiness program.

Warm wishes for your happy future,

Annie G


Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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