The 7 Secrets to Creating An Abusive Relationship

06 Jun 2010

Nobody ever deserves to get
hooked into an abusive relationship, but that is exactly what does
happen to a lot of us.  In fact, the statistics suggest that 1 in 4
women will undergo domestic violence – and that probably doesn’t include
those of us who “only” suffer mental and emotional abuse.

So why does it happen? 

Why does it happen, even in
these relatively ‘enlightened times’? 
And why
does it happen to the rich and famous no less than to anyone else.

Secret #1 It doesn’t just happen; it comes
about for a reason
.  We become abused women, and learn to settle
for an abusive relationship because we were taught to settle for less
Mostly, we were taught by parents, or other carers, to settle for: 

  • Less love

  • Less respect

  • Less care

  • Less consideration

  • Less support

  • Less encouragement


than we wanted or needed.  Nobody’s suggesting that we liked it, or that we
wanted it, but – usually at a young age – we were programmed to expect that that
was all we would get, and so we internalized that.  It was never your fault, 
you were programmed to have an Achilles heel that you didn’t even know you had.


Secret #2  We become awfully good at denial.  Well, you would, wouldn’t
you?  When you learn that you are not that important, and you don’t matter that
much, it becomes second nature to blame yourself for whatever happens, does it
not?  Especially when everyone else is in the habit of blaming you.  You accept
that everything that happens is your fault. 


(Do you remember The 3  Wise Monkeys, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Speak No
Evil?  According to Wikipedia there could be a fourth one also: Do No Evil. 
And, according to Annie, there should be a fifth one: Live No Evil.  What I mean
by that is never, ever, resign yourself to live with the evil, negative
projections that a loved one foists on you.  When someone tells you that you are
most kinds of awful and you swallow it, you are living their evil.  Don’t
do it.  They’re wrong.)


Secret #3  Always, always let an abusive man off the hook.  Collude with him in
accepting that he is never accountable for his actions.  You made him do it –
whatever it happens to be at the time. 


Secret #4  If you keep on throwing love at an abusive man, he’s bound to improve one
Isn’t he?  Your love is the alchemy that will one day turn
his dross into gold.  Or, if you prefer, just keep waving your magic wand as
hard as you can and, some day, the magic is bound to work (if your arm
doesn’t drop off from exhaustion first)
.  The best case scenario is
that one day, you will finally have some power and influence that lasts longer
than 5 minutes, in the relationship…


So sorry to dispel another hope, but it really doesn’t work like that.  You know
how the more you do for other people, the less they bother to do for
themselves?  Well that is the way it works.  Why, on earth, would he
bother to work at the relationship, when he can leave that stuff to you?


Secret #5  Make sure you have a really, really skewed idea of the World. 
He is wonderful, and you are awful.  Now, this one is a little
counter-intuitive, but you’ll probably understand it anyway.  Most of the time
he acts like a complete jerk.  Yet that doesn’t stop you believing that he is
wonderful, and lovable, and his behaviour is all your fault, anyway
You, on the other hand, do everything you possibly can to be loving, caring,
understanding, and supportive, and keep the peace, yet, all the time, you are
vile, and horrible, and nobody else would ever want you.  (Doubtless because
you are too loving, caring, understanding and supportive…)


WHOA!  Reality check, please!  If it looks like a jerk, talks like a
jerk, and acts like a jerk, there is a good, O-B-V-I-O-U-S reason for
that: it’s a jerk.  Every single jerk, since the beginning of time, has come
with a guarantee, written in large print, across his forehead, which, curiously
enough, nobody ever bothers to read, or heed, at the start.  It reads:
“This jerk is guaranteed to make you as unhappy as you have ever been in your
entire life
He will never change or improve to make you happy.”
Enough said.


Secret #6 Always, always focus on him.  It’s all about him, isn’t it? 
You are so convinced that he needs to change, that he is perfectible, and
a fine human being whose light is largely hidden by a dung heap, that you
completely and utterly disregard yourself.  You’ll be happy, when he… 
You’ll be able to grow and thrive emotionally, when he…  You’ll defer
having any good feelings, until you can bestow them on him first. 


Think about it for a moment: abusive men don’t do selflessness, and they
certainly don’t defer gratification.  They want their emotional pay-offs and
they want them now, toddler style.  If having warm, fuzzy, loving
feelings mattered to them, if being happy mattered to them, they would
have focused their energies in that direction, instead of the eternal rant of


Secret #7 Let him take control of the relationship from the first minute. 
You may not like the way he does things – in fact, you probably won’t – but
let him know that you are prepared to accept whatever he dishes out,
regardless.  Ignore everything you see that you don’t like.  If you prefer, you
could ask him to change and take your wishes into account.  But then, when he
fails to do so, back down.  He’ll be fine with that, although he might have a
temper tantrum.  You probably won’t be as comfortable with that, but that is not
important, is it?  (See Secret #6 above.)


Now you know the 7 Secrets to creating an abusive relationship.  Hopefully,
bringing them to your attention in a slightly brutal way will help protect you
for the future.


The next step is all about learning how to do things dramatically differently,
so that, when you are ready, you can create the great relationship you desire.



Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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