Quit Being “Mini-Me”

12 May 2010

A few weeks back, I had to confront a challenging situation
in my personal life.  

It was a family thing, and I could already see in advance
exactly how it would pan out.  I’d have
to spend time in close proximity to one or two family members who I would quite
cheerfully drive cross London, in rush hour, to avoid.  And it would be an action replay of so many
earlier events of the same type.  I’d
end up just hunkering down and waiting for it to be over.  (And then I’d go off and lick my wounds,

Now, I’m not a visual person but, still, I had a vision of
myself getting to the venue and shrinking into a corner with a look of dumb
defiance on my face… 

That was when it struck me: I was asking a girl to go into
that difficult situation and do a woman’s job.  

The person I was planning on taking into that event was the
one who had grown up in it – and was still stuck in it.  

To be absolutely blunt about it, I could see myself behaving
exactly as I would have done, when I was in my teens, and even earlier

In a word, I was facing a situation that required thoughtful
management, and I was planning on sending “Mini-Me” in to do the job. 

Not bright, huh? 

But it is very, very common.  

If I seriously believed that I was the only person in the
Western world to revert to “Mini-Me” in difficult times, I might be more
reluctant to admit it.  But, since then,
I’ve shared the “Mini-Me” idea with a lot of clients – and they all suffer
with “Mini-Me-itis”, also

I’m guessing that you do, too. 

OK, I’m guessing that most of the time you are – or feel –
affected by a bad case of “Mini-Me-it is”. 
It goes with the territory.

Your abusive partner, or ex-partner, is heavily invested in
bringing out the small, needy, powerless child in you. 

So, here is the way it works.  A situation occurs that is frightening and/or anxiety
provoking.  “Mini-Me” shoots out onto
centre stage to deal with it.  Not that
she can, of course.  But all the
negative self-talk that goes on in your head; all the:

 “I can’t…”,

“How can I…?”,

“I don’t know how to…”,

“I’m not able to…”,

“It’s too hard…” 

is really just “Mini-Me” talking. 

“Mini-Me” can’t handle the serious difficulties of the adult
world because she is still 14, or 10, or 5. 
All she wants is a cuddle, and for someone to make the nasty stuff go

Maybe you are not convinced.  Indulge me for a moment, and try this: focus on one difficulty
you are having.  

Visualize the person, or people, with whom you have it.  Now see yourself standing next to them.  Are you as big as they are, or are you
significantly smaller?  

If you are smaller, you have segued seamlessly into “Mini-Me”.  (If you really are the same size, or bigger,
I take my hat off to you.  And I surmise
that the situation does not feel truly threatening to you.) 

You see, we grow up, but our fears and anxieties do not –
until we do something about them.  “Mini-Me”
did her absolute best for you when you were younger and she was the only one
who could run the show.  She’s still
doing her best.  

Without realizing it, you’ve been delegating to her, for all
these years. 

It’s curious, when you come to think about it, because there
have been areas in your life where the Adult You has dealt with problems very
differently.  Most likely when you had
to fight for another person’s best interest, you have been unstoppable.  

Because “Mini-Me” butted out of the picture, and left the
Adult You to get on with it.

Isn’t it time that you had a firm, but loving, chat with “Mini-Me”,
and told her that you really, really appreciate all her help, but now you will
take over.  And then start visualizing
the situation with the Adult You at the centre.  Be sure to make that Adult You at least as big as anyone else in
the scene – and, preferably, much bigger.  

You may be amazed how much better that feels. 

From now on, when you are going into difficult situations,
make sure you leave “Mini-Me” at home, curled up on the sofa with cookies and
milk, or whatever she needs.  That will
leave you free to draw on all your adult resources for a change.

You will find that you are free to bring to bear the same
skills, strengths and resources that you display in one area of your life in
other areas also. 

And if you struggle to make it work, make sure the Adult You
gets the help she needs.  Contact
, and let’s arrange a session to put YOU back in the driving seat inside
your own head.



Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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