How Not To Be A Valentine’s Day Martyr Top 10 Tips

04 Feb 2010

Valentine’s Day is the day for lovers.  It’s the day when happy couples celebrate,
and lots of couples pretend; while singles and people in bad relationships can
feel pretty sorry for themselves.  It
can be the perfect opportunity for a “Pity Party”.  Unfortunately, Pity Parties are the loneliest parties in the
world.  Not only do they make you feel
worse, they also keep you stuck exactly where you are.  If you would like an alternative to your own
Private Pity Party read on. 

  1. Do
    NOT read the romantic Valentine’s cards. 
    If you have to buy one for your partner in an ailing
    relationship, grab the first one you find that is either funny or has very
    few words. That is good enough.  If
    you do not have to buy one, then do not even think of looking at
    then.  They simply are not relevant
    to you, this year.
  2. Don’t
    compare yourself to other people.
    So, you’re in a relationship that isn’t working well.  There can be a great temptation to look
    at other people’s relationships and feel even worse about your own.  Only do that if your Private Pity Party
    is not lonely enough already.
  3. Don’t
    tell yourself your story
    Telling yourself that your partner is a heartless brute will only
    make you feel worse.  He has
    stopped trying to please you, and you have given up on yourself.  That’s the situation in the here and
    now.  All that happened to
    contribute to that is sad and/or awful. 
    But, you already know it. 
    You’ve lived it.  You don’t
    need reminding.
  4. Don’t
    on how much more awful this Valentine’s Day feels than last
    Valentine’s day.  Maybe it’s true,
    and maybe that is what you said last year.  Either way, that attitude stops you focusing on what is
    working in your life – or what you need to do to get things working in
    your life.
  5. Don’t
    about how awful next Valentine’s Day will be, because you
    will still be stuck in the same old misery with the same bad partner – or
    else, even worse, you will be alone. 
    First, you clearly are not very good at predicting the future
    accurately, or you would not have hooked up with your bad partner in the
    first place.  Second, it is that
    kind of attitude that will blind you to the action you need to take to
    ensure that next year will be better.
  6. Don’t
    fixate on having a relationship. 
    is publicizing this on Valentine’s day – because it ain’t commercial – but
    you don’t have to be in a relationship to be happy.  Stop thinking of a loving
    relationship as the inalienable right for everyone else but you; and start
    thinking of it as the icing on the cake. 
    Think, instead, about the cake. 
    What can you do to make that cake as toothsome as possible?  You wouldn’t hand someone a polystyrene
    block that had been iced and expect them to enjoy eating.  So why would you expect someone else to
    enjoy being with a person who believes he/she is only fit for the scrap
  7. Don’t
    sit at home feeling miserable. 
    have choices, get out, see people, watch a movie or, if you can’t do that,
    at least play music, or watch a DVD, that lifts your spirits.
  8. Don’t
    overdose on chocolate, or alcohol. 
    It will only make you more miserable the next day, because then
    you can bring to your Pity Party your concerns about your weight, your
    alcohol consumption, or your hangover, as a result.
  9. Don’t
    watch a romantic movie
    .  That
    will make you even more miserable than the chocolate.  The sight of all these beautiful, slim,
    airbrushed, rich – or soon to be rich – people will depress you still
  10.  Don’t phone a miserable friend.  Misery loves company.  But if you speak to someone who is as
    miserable as you are then you will both end up more miserable as a
    result.  Think of it as a simple
    sum: their misery + your misery = greater, longer lasting misery.  Instead, turn your attention to something
    or someone that inspires you.  Read
    something inspirational,  listen to
    an inspirational DVD, or speak to someone whose positive approach leaves you
    feeling better. 

If you are not going to be a Valentine’s Day martyr you need
to be quite clear: it’s sink or swim time. 
Stay becalmed in the treacherous waters of misery much longer, and you
will drown.  But you have only to take
the first constructive small step to feeling a more positive emotion and you
will soon learn to swim.  Martyrs are a
dead weight.  Swimmers are buoyant.   

Make Valentine’s Day the day that you kick the martyr

Still not convinced? 

Ok.  So, here’s the
thing.  Martyrs tell themselves that at
least they aren’t needy; they can go without pretty much everything.  But they really, really want all the
things they believe that they can never have. 
What this means is that you are nursing a belief about everything
you can never have.  How powerful is

Ask yourself, have all the people in all the world who are
now in loving couples on Valentine’s Day always been one half of the same happy
couple?  Were any of them ever miserable
and alone on Valentine’s Day?  If they
could make the shift from misery to happy coupledom, what’s really so
different about you?

Let me invite you
to entertain a new belief:  “I can have
everything I want, once I take off the martyr’s blinkers.”  


Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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