"How
do you respond to a dirty look or hurtful comments that come out of blue when
you least expect it? I’m usually caught
so off guard that I can’t even react or think
until later. I need quick action."

Dear
Brenda,

Those
behaviours are intended to catch you unawares. You don’t specify when they occur, but if they are coming out of the
blue then I’m wondering whether they tend to happen when you are feeling
relatively safe and happy.

In
order for an abusive man to feel good about himself, someone else needs to be
made to feel bad. I don’t need to tell
you that in most cases that someone else is going to be you.

Maybe
you were feeling too comfortable for his liking, or maybe because you
weren’t feeling under threat he felt threatened by you. It’s possible that you were a teeny bit more
assertive or opinionated or ‘demanding’ than he would have liked.

You
must have noticed by now that, according to his rules, you are actively
discouraged from:

· Standing up for yourself

· Having your own opinion

· Making any demands whatsoever, however
modest.

Such
behaviours count, in his eyes, as gross insurrection that need to be dealt with
instantly, or the safe and natural order of things – his unquestioned
supremacy – will be threatened.

In
other words, at bottom he is one very frightened little boy.  But there’s no need to waste your time on sympathy for him.  Spare your compassion for yourself, for once.

So,
you ask: how do you respond?

Actually
any obvious response is likely to be a bad one. Looking hurt and falling silent is gratifying for him. Challenging his comments is good for him
also, because then you engage in trying to persuade him of your point of view –
which is never going to happen. But it
does put him firmly back in the driver’s seat.

The
best way to respond is by making small noises of the “Uh huh”, “Ok” type, that
denote that you are polite enough to acknowledge that he has spoken, but that
you really don’t think the content is worthy of any comment. Or you could simply say: “What?” in a tone
of detached surprise.

It
is also far better for you to do that and not dwell on the injustice or
hurtfulness of what he has said.

Your
partner is a very skilled communicator. He likes to score direct hits on your psyche and tends to be very good
at that. However, it’s your choice what
kind of target you present. Not reacting
in a predictable way gives him the message he has missed the target.

I’d
love to be able to say that, having missed the target once, he will just give
up. In theory, asking “What?” could
stop him in his tracks and make him reconsider what he has just said and what
he hopes to achieve. If he does that
there may be the beginning of a more useful dialogue. But that is probably the outside chance.

It
is, unfortunately, more likely that he will keep trying to get under your skin,
escalating the hurtfulness of his words. He has to do that because by now he’s feeling insecure himself.

If
that is the way he chooses to operate, and it may well be, then you have to ask
yourself a question or two?

• What is so
       worth holding onto in this relationship that I am prepared to tolerate
       being treated in this way?
• How much
       worse does he need to make it before I understand that this is what I can
       expect in this relationship?

It’s
not quick action you need, Brenda, but constructive action.

And
if you feel your self-worth is too low for you to be able to make changes, then
my ebook, “The Woman You Want To Be” will help you to

• put those
       negative beliefs behind you,
• love the
       woman you are and can be and
• create a
       life worth living for yourself.

Warm
wishes,

Annie