“Victors learn”

03 Jun 2006

“Victims blame, victors learn” is a quotation from
the truly inspirational “One Minute Millionaire” by Mark Victor Hansen and
Robert G. Allen. This extraordinary book has a self-help text on the left hand
pages and a highly readable story, or parable, on the right. I started reading the story side shortly
after S. came to stay and those words jumped out at me.

Victims blame, while victors learn that, irrespective
of what has already
happened, they can have the same rights, hopes
and dreams as other people. They learn
the tricks and techniques that will enable them not to be paralysed by
negativity, by their membership of the Ahbutt clan – and who hasn’t been an
honorary member of the “Ah but…” or “yes, but” clan at some low point in their

Victors learn how to focus on the positives and start to
experiment with self-acceptance and self-love. They learn to harness the awesome power of their subconscious. 

They learn that other people’s opinions, however negative
they may be, are only opinions. And
they bear in mind, at all times, that as Clint Eastwood famously said:
“Opinions are like a**holes; everybody’s got one”. So that another person’s damning opinion simply becomes a kind of
metaphorical a**hole. 

Still when I first read those words, I had a moment of
unease about the term ‘victors’; I felt uncomfortable at the idea of
identifying with the victors. 

Somewhere along the line, I guess, I acquired a map of a
black and white world in which victors were people who won out by making others
their victims. I felt then, and still
do, that I wouldn’t want to be part of any group that oppresses others. 

But we’re not talking about politics here, simply about
the status you choose for yourself in your own life. Suppose the battle that the victor has to win in their own life
only entails slaying old demons and laying claim to personal happiness and

Suppose also, that your choice will harm and deprive no
one. Rather, it may actually liberate other people, starting with your nearest
and dearest. Would you then be happy,
and proud to be a victor? 

One of the first things that victors learn on their
journey is that they really don’t have to make do with the second-hand beliefs,
values and judgements that people foist on them. They can choose their own terms and values. They start from the premise that past and
or/present mistakes in no way diminish them. They are always good enough, exactly as they are. 

Victors’ memories of their own past suffering leads them
to show compassion and care towards others who are suffering; without having to
join their ranks.

Victors deal with the difficulties and face up to
challenges, and still celebrate all the good things that they and their loved
ones experience.

That being the case, are you ready to place yourself on
the victor’s side of the fence?


Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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