A Damp Squib From The Past

23 Apr 2006

Last week my ex-husband emerged, like the Loch Ness
Monster, from the murky depths he calls home, to bring a little horror and
revulsion into our lives.  Not for him the thought of thinking fondly of his daughter at Easter – or indeed at any other time of year.  But then, I guess nobody ever suggested that the Loch Ness monster was all heart…

 What caused the ex-husband to rise momentarily from the deep was this: filthy lucre.  Albeit a small amount of same.

My father left my daughter a sum of money in his will that
would help pay for her university education. Given her tender age the money was invested for her in trust, in my then
husband’s name. Now, that she is of an
age to have that trust put into her own name she made contact to request the
transfer. His reply was that all monies
in his name are his. Tough luck. End of story.

Now the money is one thing. The message that he is a father who can willingly deny and cheat his own
daughter of what he knows is rightfully hers is another. Nor, as a respected, well-paid professional,
does he have any excuse for this behaviour.

My daughter felt devastated by her father’s response. I felt saddened and ashamed beyond all
measure that this is the best father I could give her.

For two days we were profoundly miserable. And then we bounced back. Yes, he’s in the running for the Beastly Dad
of the Year Award 2006; still he had a part in making a wonderful child. 

As for my daughter, in the past her father’s horrid
sorties from the Stygian depths have resulted in weeks and months of chronic
eczema, and self-doubt. Not this

What she takes from this experience is a belief that her
father does not love her; certainly not in any way that she considers
valuable. She can accept that that is
all about who he is – without blaming or punishing herself. Maybe he can’t love her, but she knows that
other people can, and do, and that she is lovable. 

Once she and I felt utterly devoid of resources. But no more. We struggled, we learned and we came through. In retrospect, I could wish that we had
known then that all we had to do was what we could with what we had from where
we were. It would have made those early
steps far easier along the journey we still travel joyfully. 

We both hope those words: “Do what you can, with what you
have, from where you are” will be a gift to you.


Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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