How Not To Make The Same Mistakes Again

20 Feb 2006

Most people can’t get behind the wheel of a car for the
first time and drive away like a seasoned driver. But one or two can.

Most people can’t sit down at a piano for the first time
and play a Mozart sonata; although you might find the odd one or two who can
play whatever they hear by hear.

Most people won’t put their trust in someone who they know
is emotionally damaged, had a ‘hard life’, and a history of troubled
relationships, and achieve their happy ever after. But one or two do.

One thing you’ve learned from your experience is that
you’re uncritical to a fault. You’re so
prepared to believe the very best of your partner (and probably the worst of
yourself) that you’re blind to the warning signs. 

Some people can run faster than others. Some are better at sport, or art than
others. Some can sing; others
can’t. Some are good at maths; others
aren’t. It’s not a question of better
or worse. It’s a simple fact.

Some women are better at relationships than others. Picking good potential partners is not one
of your natural gifts. But it is
something you can learn.

So how do you do it?

  • Take new relationships SLOWLY. This serves two purposes: first, it gives you the time to notice
    things; second, abusive men tend not to want to spend too long courting their
    prey and they will either start to lose interest or show their true colours.
  • Make a written record of every little ‘incident’ where a
    new partner behaves in a way that you don’t quite like, or you find
    upsetting. You may start to a see a
    pattern. He may sulk if he doesn’t get
    his own way, or ignore your feelings, or get angry over small things.
  • Listen carefully to what he says about his previous
    girlfriends. If he tells you that they
    all behaved badly towards him, then that’s probably exactly what he’ll say
    about you, one day. If they’ve all
    disappointed him, you can bet you’ll end up disappointing him too, however hard
    you try. Because he sees himself as a
    victim of the women in his life.
  • Listen carefully to how he talks about other people. If he expresses hostility or contempt for
    most of the people in his life, that is his base emotion. The time will come when he will surely visit
    that hostility or contempt on you.
  • Notice how easily he becomes angry and how angry he
    gets. You won’t be immune from his
    anger for too long. You can even
    provoke his anger to see exactly how he behaves; if you dare. And, of course, if you don’t, then you
    really should not be with him.
  • Find out about his relationship with his family. If his relationship with his family has
    broken down, or even if his mother seems to dominate him, it bodes badly for
    his relationship with you.
  • If he has children by a previous relationship, find out
    how well they get on with him. If they
    don’t like him there’s probably a good reason – and it may not be just because
    his ex-wife/girlfriend ‘is a bitch’.
  • If he has any addictions, whether to drugs, drink,
    gambling, sex or anything else; unless you want to play second fiddle to an
    addiction, that’s your cue to run very fast, in the opposite direction. He may beat his addiction one day,
    but you certainly can’t do it for him, and the chances are he will drag you
    down with him.
  • If he has a history of violent behaviour in his past,
    assume that you will end up as his punch bag, if you stick around. Your love won’t change his behaviour.
  • Get a copy of “He’s just not that into you” by Greg
    Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo and read it until every word is etched on your
    heart. It will help you to distinguish
    between the way a man treats you when he truly care and the way he‘ll treat you
    when they don’t.
  • Grow your circle of friends and well-wishers, so you
    aren’t putting all your emotional eggs in one basket. 
  • Learn to love yourself first. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t love other people, it’s simply
    doing the opposite of putting yourself last. You’ve seen where putting yourself last has ever got you. 

My ebook “The Woman You Want To Be” offers you the most
powerful way I know of learning to love yourself first.


Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.

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