is often a scowl at home” (Alfred, Lord Tennyson)
It’s often said that when Life, or The Universe, has
something to teach you, it keeps putting that lesson in front of you until you
finally get it.
(Equally, you could argue that sometimes you miss
something the first zillion times, because you’re not programmed to notice
it. So you keep attracting it in the
first place because you don’t see it coming.)
Still, eventually, the sheer weight of repetition brings
it to your attention. Even if it’s
something you’ve automatically accepted since as far back as you can remember,
at some point you finally cotton onto the idea that it’s time to revise your
My mother was a great one for lecturing me on the value of
a smile; usually when I was feeling thoroughly miserable or peeved, as a small
child. “People won’t like you if you
don’t smile”, she’d say, baring her teeth in a smile that stopped at the
corners of her lips.
As ever, in one sense she was right. Not least because the opposite is true:
people tend to be better disposed to people who smile.
It’s a reflex thing. A smile can be very reassuring. It can be like waving a white flag, or like
the sun coming out after a storm. Anyone who has ever experienced an abusive relationship becomes expert
at watching the abuser’s face for the hint of the smile signifying that, for
the time being, the explosion is over.
How often do we take a smile as meaning that things are
more right, than wrong, with our world? that the person smiling is friendly,
rather than hostile?
Over the past four weeks, I’ve had several intimations
that I need to be less careless about the value I habitually ascribe to a
Now this is not to say that I’m in favour of meeting
smiles with suspicion. A smile, as the cliché goes, really can brighten your
Most people smile to convey a degree of genuine warmth and
friendliness. Some don’t. This is why a smile should not automatically
outweigh whatever accompanies it.
Frankly, for me a smile often has. Not that I was aware of it before. I’ve interpreted a smile in the same way as
the wagging tail of a dog: friendly intentions. I’ve done so even when the words issuing
from the person’s lips have been quite savage. Especially if they’ve laughed mid-sentence. The sting in the words must have been unintentional,
if they were smiling and laughing.
Not so. There are
some calculating people who deliberately use a smile to disarm. Why should we presume to understand a
person’s intentions better than the person him (or her) self?
People may not always choose their words altogether
consciously, but they do choose them accurately.
Much as they may make some effort to mislead as to their
real intentions, they tend not to work too hard at it. They’re unlikely to conceal all the
After a few experiences in the past month when a smile has
been used to mask hostility, I’ve resolved to be… not less trusting so much as
I’ve started to assess what I experience in a more
methodical way, by looking at the words, the smile and the left side of
the person’s face, especially the left eye.
The overall view that you get of a face comes from the
right, or public, side. The left side,
when you start to look at it, may be quite different. The left eye may look colder than you might expect. Face Reading is Glenna Trout’s sphere of expertise, not
mine. But you don’t need to be a face
reader to see the expression of an eye; you only have to look.
Three criteria have to be better than one. Abuse comes in a vast range of
gradations. Learning to pick up small
scale, preliminary abuse can only help you to put more effective defences in
place against all future abuse.
Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.
The 5 Simple Steps to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
Over the next 5 days, I'll send you some lessons and tips that I've found have really helped women to heal from narcissistic abuse. Starting with the basics.