Just as an abusive relationship creates a downward spiral into despair and self-loathing; recovery and personal growth require that we create an upwards spiral into self-worth and faith. What is the point of punishing ourselves? How will we ever know if we have punished ourselves enough? What happens when we let go?
Abused women are, in the end, just women; some are more talented than others, sure. But look at this way: to run uphill with a 50 lb rucksack on your back, requires you to be a better, stronger runner, than the person who runs, unburdened, up that hill. An abusive relationship weighs far heavier on your shoulders than any 50 lb rucksack ever can.
When an abusive partner, or other near one, tells you that you are ‘too sensitive’, it is, apparently, because they wish you could change. (The subtext is that if you could change that it would, somehow, transform the abusive relationship.) Not that they are offering you any clues as to how you might reduce that sensitivity. In reality, they don’t know how you could reduce that sensitivity; nor do they care. Much as they may criticize you for it, your sensitivity fits very nicely with their agenda.
You will receive the answers you need to the questions that, until now, have kept you stuck in ‘victim mode’ in your abusive relationship including:
· “Why does my abusive partner treat me this way?”
· “Will my abusive partner ever change?”
· “What are the chances of transforming my abusive relationship?”
· “How do I get my self-esteem back?”
· “Is my abusive marriage my fault?”
· “How do I start to rebuild my life?”
· “How do I stop myself going back to him?”
· “Can I be sure it won’t happen again?”
· “How can I create a good relationship next time?”
What did you learn in your abusive relationship?
You learned, doubtless, that: the world was not safe, you would never be good enough, or lovable enough, and your judgment would always, always, be wrong.
Yes, abusive men are crazy-makers and they lull you into a kind of trance; they suck you into their highly skewed worldview. That’s true enough, but I don’t think that alone is a complete explanation. If we felt alone in childhood, we may have the yearning for a perfect love, for someone who will always be there for us, through thick and thin… That dream is the big picture we are – often hopelessly – drawn towards. That dream can lead us to be hopelessly attracted to an abusive man. That dream can lead us to become an abused woman.
Once abused women understand the inevitability of the damage they will suffer in an abusive relationship, the relationship loses much of its attraction. Once they understand that the dream they have for the relationship is not part of the picture, it becomes easier to walk away, physically and emotionally. The circle of violence diagram helps to explain the moods and behaviours of abusive men.
The more abusive men revert to type, the more love abusive women throw at them. We love them not as they are – let’s face it, that would take a lot of doing – but they way we want them to be. An abusive partner is just about the worst investment you will ever make in your life, in every sense. You lose months, or years of your time. Often your career suffers, your finances suffer, your health suffers and your emotional well-being suffers.
Abused women toil tirelessly to keep their relationship alive. You couldn’t possibly pay someone enough to put in the time and the trouble that abused women sacrifice, for absolutely nothing. Of course, it doesn’t work. ‘Working’ at a relationship is a guarantee of nothing but your effort. Nobody ever promised that your work would be requited. But, somehow, inside your own head, you came to believe that if you put 10,000 hours, or 20,000, or 50,000 hours, ‘hard work’ into your marriage, it would finally pay dividends. Your abusive relationship is the ultimate proof that working at it doesn’t work.
In my experience, abused women carry many old, limiting beliefs about relationships. Most commonly, they are simply not aware of them. They can long for the best in their life, but the beliefs that have been programmed into them lead them to expect… if not the worst, then something second, or third, rate. Curiously enough, love does not appear to fly out of the window when we are maltreated. Abused women have, if anything, a pathological attachment to their abusive partner. In reality, that has far more to do with fixation than love.
Over the next 5 days, I'll send you some lessons and tips that I've found have really helped women to heal from narcissistic abuse. Starting with the basics.
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