Abusive men are much more like one another than they are like anyone else. They are not your fault. We do them, and ourselves, no favours at all when we tolerate their bad behaviour. Like spoilt children, indulging them only allows them to become worse. But, as chronological adults, it is for them to take responsibility for their own behaviour; not us. No matter how much they may tell us that their bad behaviour is our fault, that doesn’t make it true.
As an abused woman, you feel like you are drowning in a sea of fear and anxiety, and all you have to hold on to is a fragile splinter of self-belief. You worry that you will never be able to manage without your abusive partner, that you could be making the biggest mistake of your life. (Rest assured, the mistake – if such it was – was starting a relationship with him; not finishing it.) You worry about being “the bad guy”. If he makes a better relationship next time around, then that will prove that you were “the bad guy”. Allegedly.
Just as an abusive relationship creates a downward spiral into despair and self-loathing; recovery and personal growth require that we create an upwards spiral into self-worth and faith. What is the point of punishing ourselves? How will we ever know if we have punished ourselves enough? What happens when we let go?
Abused women are, in the end, just women; some are more talented than others, sure. But look at this way: to run uphill with a 50 lb rucksack on your back, requires you to be a better, stronger runner, than the person who runs, unburdened, up that hill. An abusive relationship weighs far heavier on your shoulders than any 50 lb rucksack ever can.
When an abusive partner, or other near one, tells you that you are ‘too sensitive’, it is, apparently, because they wish you could change. (The subtext is that if you could change that it would, somehow, transform the abusive relationship.) Not that they are offering you any clues as to how you might reduce that sensitivity. In reality, they don’t know how you could reduce that sensitivity; nor do they care. Much as they may criticize you for it, your sensitivity fits very nicely with their agenda.
You will receive the answers you need to the questions that, until now, have kept you stuck in ‘victim mode’ in your abusive relationship including:
· “Why does my abusive partner treat me this way?”
· “Will my abusive partner ever change?”
· “What are the chances of transforming my abusive relationship?”
· “How do I get my self-esteem back?”
· “Is my abusive marriage my fault?”
· “How do I start to rebuild my life?”
· “How do I stop myself going back to him?”
· “Can I be sure it won’t happen again?”
· “How can I create a good relationship next time?”
Abused women act and feel and perform in accordance with what an abusive partner tells them. They do not act in accordance with what they are capable of.
What did you learn in your abusive relationship?
You learned, doubtless, that: the world was not safe, you would never be good enough, or lovable enough, and your judgment would always, always, be wrong.
Yes, abusive men are crazy-makers and they lull you into a kind of trance; they suck you into their highly skewed worldview. That’s true enough, but I don’t think that alone is a complete explanation. If we felt alone in childhood, we may have the yearning for a perfect love, for someone who will always be there for us, through thick and thin… That dream is the big picture we are – often hopelessly – drawn towards. That dream can lead us to be hopelessly attracted to an abusive man. That dream can lead us to become an abused woman.
Once abused women understand the inevitability of the damage they will suffer in an abusive relationship, the relationship loses much of its attraction. Once they understand that the dream they have for the relationship is not part of the picture, it becomes easier to walk away, physically and emotionally. The circle of violence diagram helps to explain the moods and behaviours of abusive men.
Over the next 5 days, I'll send you some lessons and tips that I've found have really helped women to heal from narcissistic abuse. Starting with the basics.
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