What to do when you need answers not overwhelm

About a million years ago Joni Mitchell first sang: “Maybe it’s just the time of year. Or maybe it’s the time of man.” Right now, it certainly feels like one of those times of man – and also woman, clearly.

Needing answers not overwhelm is a tough place to be. And, it is a place that survivors of narcissistic abuse find themselves in far more frequently than they would like – for one simple reason:

How Narcissists train you

Narcissists train you to overwhelm, as a highly effective way of maintaining control over you, at all times.

As I understand it (as a veteran of overwhelm), overwhelm happens when you have too much to deal with, too little of the support you need, and a hefty, learned dollop of hopelessness thrown in for good measure.

My horrible ex, a world-class teacher of hopelessness, could always propel me from feeling challenged by circumstances to outright hopelessness in about 10 seconds.

Whenever something happened that incurred his displeasure (even something as unimportant as two grains of salt too many in his dinner) he exuded finality and fatalism from every pore. His position was that:

• the presenting situation was a disaster
• everything was a disaster
• it would always be a disaster because
• nothing could be done about it
• his Life with me was thankless
• I was worthless

There was never any coming back from there.

A slight over-salting of his dinner was hardly one of Life’s great dramas – objectively speaking – and yet he would never miss the opportunity to make it one.

Obviously, when several situations come to a head at the same time that are actually important, the stress and overwhelm that a survivor has to deal with become a million times worse.

The feeling of overwhelm and helplessness also becomes a million times worse.

What can you do?

So, what do you do?

Briefly:

1. you stop watching the putative, hopeless future playing out in your mind: you know the one, where everything else in your life falls apart in the chain reaction that you are already fixated on.
2. You focus on just one simple, immediate thing that you can affect. The simpler the better.

Between a beloved, sick partner who is not going to get any better and a sick, fragile, beloved dog, Life is hard in my neck of the woods.

The old overwhelm and helplessness training kick in spontaneously most days – even most hours on a bad day.

What do I do about it?

Much the same as I recommend to clients.

First, treat the feelings with as much kindness and compassion as possible. Nobody is saying that that is an easy thing for a survivor of neglect and abuse to do. But it is something you can start to practice, in as small a way as necessary.

Second, limit your focus as much as possible.

Yesterday, I was working with a client who has outgrown the life that she has been living.

Theoretically, that is cause for celebration.

In reality for all of us survivors of narcissistic abuse, that is cause for anxiety, uncertainty and self-doubt.

Why Narcissists work so hard to instill hopelessness and overwhelm

That leads us back to the question of why a Narcissist worked so hard to install that hopelessness and overwhelm in you, in the first place?

Obviously, it was sport for them. It worked to make them the boss of you.

Beyond that, they were determined to break irreparably everything that they once used and benefitted from.

But here’s the thing: nobody, not even a Narcissist, can be the architect of your future – once they are no longer enthroned at the very heart of it. They cannot break your future.

That is very important to take on board.

Where does awareness leave you?

Where does that awareness leave you?

It leaves you, finally, starting to get a grasp on your autonomy.

They are no longer running your life. That means that you can begin to do so instead.

Admittedly, this is not an overnight, epiphany-type thing.

Old patterns don’t have an expiration date.  They don’t just dissolve. Rather, they require focused, emotional work on your part.

Where things get interesting

Now, this is where things get interesting.

Because we have to do such an enormous amount of emotional work to stay in an abusive relationship, we assume that we will have to do about a million times more agonizing, emotional work to leave it behind.

That thought immediately plunges survivors down to the depths of overwhelm and learned hopelessness. They assume that healing is out of reach for them. So, they settle.

Settling is a learned, reflex response that serves only to perpetuate hopelessness and overwhelm.

Survivors are trained to settle for brokenness, irrespective of whether they stay in the relationship or leave it.

Let’s not lose sight of the fact that is perfectly possible to leave a toxic, abusive relationship and give up on yourself. I know I did. So, too, did many of my clients.

You have to give up giving up on yourself

 Things only change when you give up giving up on yourself, when you stop letting yourself be demoralized by the overwhelm and hopelessness.

And then what happens?

The more you work the strategy of on focusing on the simple, immediate thing that you can effect, the more you find yourself living in the present, reaping small rewards – but rewards, nonetheless – in the present, rebuilding your trust in yourself to create a better outcome for yourself than your narcissistic prophet of doom would ever have conceded you might one day have.

Nothing dispels overwhelm like exerting some control over your own life even through objectively small achievements.

Some days, nobody can know how big an achievement it is even to get out of bed, get dressed or do any of the small routine things we have to do in a day.

You can choose to honor every effort that you make to dispel the overwhelm. Those efforts are hugely significant. They will start to propel you forward.

And…

Do you need more support with your self-worth, getting closure on a Narcissist and moving forward along your healing journey?

Here’s how I can help you:

1. Feeling paralyzed by overwhelm and hopelessness – book a one-off Breakthrough Session to get beyond what is blocking you.https://recoverfromemotionalabuse.com/
2. Want ongoing insights into narcissism, as well as tools and techniques for healing, and a supportive community around you – check out my Break Free Membership​
3. Need 1 on 1 support: email me at annie@anniekaszina.com.