Top 10 Tips To GUARANTEE An Abusive Man Won’t Leave You Alone

by Annie Kaszina on March 28, 2012

  1. Be sure to answer his text messages.  He’s sent you a text which means he, clearly, expects an answer.  So, you’d better give him one, hadn’t you?  No matter that he doesn’t answer your messages when it doesn’t suit him.  That’s different, isn’t it?
  2. Try very hard to have the last word.  I understand it means a lot to you.  But he never let you have the last word before, did he?  So, why do you suppose he’s going to change now? Chances are, for as long as he has a pulse he will still work on the principle that the last word is his prerogative.  He’s not going to surrender that to you lightly.
  3. Keep shouting louder in the hope he’ll finally listen to you.  We both know the reason why that is so important to you.  It’s because it’s never going to happen.  If he were bound hand and foot, and you had a megaphone within a few inches of his ear, and there was no way he could wriggle away, he still wouldn’t really listen to you, would he?
  4. Keep challenging what is.  You don’t like the way things have turned out, that’s understandable.  But that doesn’t mean you can change them just because you want to.  He’s happy enough with the way things have turned out.  As far as any kind of connection with you is concerned, his wishes outweigh yours.  Always have.  Always will.  End of story.
  5. Try to explain your feelings and decisions to him.  He hasn’t cared about them in the past.  Why do you suppose he’s going to start now?  The only thing that interests him is: “Can I still use her to gratify my own feelings of power and importance?  Or not?
  6. Tell him you still want to be his friend.  That translates into Abusive-Man-Speak as: “I’m still leaving the door open for you to muscle your way back into my life, whenever, and however, you like.”  Yes, you and I both know that’s not what you mean.  But that’s what he’s hearing, and that’s the option you’re making available to him.
  7. Tell him you still love him.  As #6.
  8. Keep apologizing for what you’re doing.  As #6
  9. Be there for him when he needs you – because you still love himYou already know he has an emotional age of about 2 – conservatively speaking, that is.  Which means that he’s bound to need you for something, sooner or later.  (By later read within the lifespan of the average moth.) Something will happen to really upset him.  It could be anything, honestly, anything it all, from trouble at work, to a sick family member, to an ingrowing toenail, or mild constipation, and he’ll need youIt’s that old “why keep a dog and bark yourself, scenario?”  Why would he shoulder any difficulties that you can shoulder for him?
  10. Keep the lines of communication open “just in case”…  Just in case WHAT?!!!  In case he’s bodysnatched?  (Much as I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, just because Jody Foster got seriously lucky with Richard Gere in “Sommersby”, that doesn’t mean you will.)  In case he finally gets a personality transplant?  Or you decide he is the ultimate Prize, the best this world of Seven billion people has to offer?

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Nosiphiwo March 30, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I got divorced in Feb 2012. I made most of the above mistakes and the results were. Eexactly wat u hev discused here. He continued 2abuse me, I got him arested 4violating the protection order, he aplied 4a protection order. He is also sueing me 4 having him arested, claiming a couple of thousands of rands. Abusers r realy crazy. When u r nice 2him, he sees an opotunity 2continue his abuse. Now I hev stoped contacting him evn abt our kids. M confused abt wat 2say 2my kids wen they want me 2cal him 4them. They r only 4 and 2 yrs old.


Alison April 2, 2012 at 7:36 am

Ha ha! Very witty, I get this completely, this is everything I did (YES I am going to say it everything I did) for years (even though just out of hospital I am fighting the urge to call him and see if he is ok!!?!) . Isn’t it funny that no matter how nasty these people are the sense of loss is still profound and hard to ignore. You are so right Annie, I still want to do those things, and seeing this written like this made me laugh but also made me really think. Answering texts, calls, keeping the door open is so tempting but also so dangerous. This is one of your best! Thanks as always Alison


Kelly April 5, 2012 at 7:26 am

This is absolutely hilarious….i’m posting a link to it on my Facebook page…Because Silence Deoesnt Stop The Violence; Speak Out Against Domestic Abuse. Thank you xxx


lifebegins45 April 17, 2012 at 10:52 am

The only regret I have now (aside from the obvious…) is that you hadn’t written this sooner! Yes, I TOO did absolutely EVERYTHING you listed here. Wish I hadn’t, to be perfectly honest. Very clever!! Thank you for being ‘here’.


lifebegins45 April 17, 2012 at 11:27 am

I featured this blog entry in a post on my own. I thought it was insightful. Maybe other women who might still be involved in an abusive relationship can gain some insight. Thanks again

my entry:


Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: