Annie Answers Your Questions

Falling in love stinks when…

Falling-In-Love, as far as I can see, is about leaping without looking. Falling-In-Love lays you open to the whole unsavory pack of jerks, abusers, and narcissists. I asked my client whether she would take a job without first finding out about the pay and terms of employment. She sounded surprised. She answered, briskly: “Of course not.” Then she saw the connection. You don’t have to fall in love on Day 1, Day 2, or Day 20. Falling-In-Love is optional, not obligatory – although it is a neat way of silencing the little voice in your head that says: “Er… I don’t think so. This one is NOT for me!”

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“I’m Not Sure I Am An Abused Woman…”

Your husband tells you that you are selfish, self-centred, and you have ruined your his life. What a poor hard done by victim he is! But, also, what a negative, critical, fault-finding, punitive, blaming partner he is. If he’s that unhappy, why hasn’t he left you long ago? Unless, the reason he stays with you is because, actually, he enjoys blaming you for ‘ruining his life’… I’m guessing your husband gets a real high out of telling you how awful you are. Now, in my book, that is selfish, and destructive. It is the hallmark of an abusive man.

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“Why Do You Think It Is So Easy To Change The People-Pleasing Habit?”

You’ve spent your time being nice to – that is doing back flips to please – a man who treats you badly –and, all the while, treating yourself badly, when you could get to treat yourself well. It’s never about changing away from being nice. It’s all about loving yourself first, and not casting pearls before swine…

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“Does he get the blame for everything?”

How do I determine my part to his actions? He can’t have an argument by himself. So, what I have done in my actions that may have set the course for some of the abuse. There are always two sides to the story. Or does he just get blamed for everything?

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“What if he were gay?”

The sexuality of abusive men is perverted. They use – or withhold – sex for control, not love. They ‘relate’ to their partner in a damaging way. That is a feature of the breed. I am very happy to generalize about abusive men; because they are, ultimately, eerily like clones. They all share the same loathing for women. They all abuse their partners in very similar ways.

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How Do You Handle An Ex-Partner Who Is Suddenly Sweet?

My abusive husband, now we’ve been separated for 3 months, has changed from being physically aggressive to emotionally abusive to sickly sweet. He is trying to prove to me and all our friends that he has changed and is capable of talking nicely and not get angry.

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“Is He Abusive? Or Just Insensitive And Selfish?”

If your partner is “only” extremely thoughtless, and insensitive, do you think that makes the relationship viable?

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Why Am I Afraid To Let Go Of An Abusive Relationship?

Hello Annie, Why do I have "the fear of letting go" of the relationship?  I…

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“What Would Happen If I Stop Letting My Abusive Partner Get To Me”

What do you truly love about this man who takes a ‘sick pleasure’ (your words) from abusing you? How do you know he is mentally ill? People who perpetrate domestic violence – which includes emotional abuse – may be ‘bad’, but there is nothing to suggest they are mad. What’s more, nobody has ever yet transformed an abusive relationship into a functional one by sticking around to try and take away from the abuser the ‘sick pleasure they get’ from abusing.

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“Abusive ‘love’ is…”

When you said: “I love you” to your abusive partner, you doubtless surrendered your heart and your independence. When he said: “I love you”, he took possession of your heart and your independence. What did he give in return?

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The 5 Simple Steps to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Over the next 5 days, I'll send you some lessons and tips that I've found have really helped women to heal from narcissistic abuse.  Starting with the basics.