Top 10 Tips To Do Emotional Abuse Recovery The Easy Way

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by Annie Kaszina on May 2, 2017

Emotional abuse recovery was never intended to be easy.  That was the master-plan of the person – who took you into that mess in the first place. In reality, a weird unspoken contract occurred.  Your emotionally abusive partner may well have promised to rescue, love and make you feel good about yourself. In reality, all the deal was really about was making him feel better about himself.

Emotional abuse recovery hinges on breaking the patterns of belief and behavior that an abuser taught you. Until you can do that, nothing really changes. For as long as you continue to play the game by your abuser’s rules, you will continue to lose out.

So, here are the 10 tips I wish that I had known when I was starting my journey of emotional abuse recovery.  

1      Stop blaming yourself for everything.

It can’t possibly all be your fault. Make it a rule to only ever blame yourself for one thing per day – and preferably choose something small and ‘fluffy’ while you’re about it: e.g. “I just smudged my lipstick!” Everything else will just have to be put in a queue for the next available day.

   2     Laugh a bit.

If you’re an emotionally abused woman, you have a massive laughter deficit from your time in an emotionally abusive relationship. In the interests of your health, you need to laugh more. Laughter is pretty close to being ‘the best revenge’.

   3     Start looking for what you like about yourself.

Your mind is a funny old thing; just because it’s yours, it doesn’t mean it knows everything. You feed it a lot of horrible, negative stuff; show it a good time for a change. Tell it a few good things about you. Surprise it.

   4     Do some research; find out what YOU like doing

that is, doing for yourself. It’s not just enough to like watching your children laugh. Yes, that’s nice, and may warm the cockles of your heart, but it doesn’t help you know who you are as a person.

   5     Give your emotionally abusive partner a silly name.

Don’t bother trying to do that to his face – Mr Toxic-Temper-Tantrums probably won’t take it too kindly. But, inside your own head, find a name for him that makes you smile. If you’re struggling, start with Mr I’m-So-Wonderful, or Mr Full-Diaper, of Herr Humorless, and find out what works for you. Hint: it beats referring to him as my husband/partner, or whatever his first name is.

   6     Rehashing the past serves no useful purpose, so DON’T.

If your emotionally abusive partner hadn’t been an out and out horror, you wouldn’t be reading this now; you’d probably still be massaging his ego. But he’s in training for the World Nastiness Championship 2017. You might as well accept it. Pretty much anything you can do, including unblocking a sink, or pairing socks, will be a lot more useful than rehashing the past.

   7     Practise saying “No”.

Being an emotionally abused woman means you’ve said a lot of “Yeses” in your time, either to keep the peace, or because you were worried that people wouldn’t like you otherwise. This means you have amassed a LOT of proof that “Yes” is not a magic wand to make your life better. “No” is a much more useful word. You’ll soon see who only ever hung around you for your “Yeses” and you’ll start to attract a better class of person.

   8     Do NOT dive headlong into dating or the next relationship.

Until you know who you are, and you have done a fair bit of your emotional abuse recovery work, you will be a relationship liability. You need to know that for as long as you are still listening to “Radio Regret” you’ll be transmitting a message, on a very high frequency, that will attract creeps, bad boys, abusers, philanderers, addicts and other nightmares to you. Don’t. Just, DON’T.

   9     Dont expect other people to understand what youve been through.

Most people have this weird thing about them that means that you only have to try to enlist their compassion for them to turn dismissive on you.  You only have to try to get them to understand where you’re coming from on your emotional abuse recovery journey for them to go into incomprehension and superiority. (Phrases they might use, include,“How could you be so stupid?” “Can’t you just pull yourself together and get on with it?” It’s been 3 days/weeks/months now.”  “What is wrong with you?” “I could have told you it wouldn’t work. In fact, I did tell you. But you just had to know better.  See where that has got you.”) They’ll use your vulnerability as an opportunity to hold forth on their judgmental opinion. Do you really want to hear about how they think you should live your life? I didn’t think so.

   10   Will you please stop “forever-ing”?

You’ve forgotten that Life – and that includes yours – unfolds with endless, unforeseeable twists and turns. So, you can’t stand on the vantage point of your shattered relationship today and see for miles, and miles, and miles, to what your life will look like, say, 10 years from now. It just can’t be done. Stop worrying about 10 years down the line, and start focusing on what you can do to enjoy this moment.

Emotional abuse recovery requires you to stop seeing the partner that happened to you as a judgement on your worth. An emotional abuser is vile in their own right.  End of. Do not make it about you. Equally, be sure not to make your emotional abuse recovery about him. The person that matters in all of this is you.  That is what you need to remember.

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Debbi March 5, 2013 at 11:17 am

I will put your helpful tips to use–I sure need it. I am finally divorced but getting him out of my life seems next to impossible. He’s still doing things to me from a distance covertly that I cannot prove but know it’s him–I know his habits. So I tend whenever this happens to take on the blame again–will so try to put your suggestions to work today!


Janette Leonard March 5, 2013 at 3:17 pm

Thanks for all your helpful information.
You made my laugh today when I read that I should have a name for my abusive husband – well I do!! I have thought of him as ‘the albatross’ for many years. I refuse to lose my sense of humour.


Annie March 14, 2013 at 10:35 am

I LOVE the idea of “The Albatross” Janette

Keep laughing,



Zanele March 6, 2013 at 12:29 am

Priceless Annie! Thank you.


irena eddy March 6, 2013 at 1:53 am

thankyou annie..for an amazing insight into what i suffered for 30yrs….my ex was home 24/7 all that time and he never let up with his controlling emotional abuse….i divorced him 2 yrs ago,,but he knew what buttons to push to make me feel guility and wretched…it wasn’t until i found your site that i fully understood myself and found the freedom that comes with letting go the past…so thankyou again…xx irena xx


Harmony Thomas March 14, 2013 at 9:34 am

Annie, this website is a God send. I divorced a highly-toxic mentally, and emotionally unhusband after marrying twice..Then I met this lovely guy, prince from England. According to some, he really was an African Prince. I was called Princess and on my travels to London, I was waited on hand and foot. This was so different from my unhusband;however, Prince England had a subtle way of constantly mentioning that I had made many mistakes in my past, and that I was in a pit as a single mom. I was inpatient, had anger problems, and he was the man who had the best mission and vision in life. The best person to ever come into my life, and I was blowing my “gifted chance” by being inpatient. On the surface he was so caring, attentive. Princess this, princess that. But every chance he got, there was a jab, even though we were 5000 miles apart. It was all in the name of helping me clean up the mess that these other people in my life had created. He always said I was intelligent but had no wisdom. I have a Master’s Degree and he does not have any college degree, so he frequently made comments about me thinking I knew “everything.” After all of this, I should be fed up, but I jumped from one 15 year old severely abusive relationship into the frying pan with Prince England and now I am devastated. He has put me on a 10 day


Harmony Thomas March 14, 2013 at 9:38 am

plan to teach me to control my anger and temper. He will not correspond with me during this period of time, I need to go to my church counselor and get help. He is no more prepared to deal with me being ungrateful for what I have.????? I am devastated. I made the fatal mistake of jumping into the frying pan while I was still very vulnerable and now I FEEL raw on the inside. On the surface and while I am in London and while we talk on the phone and chat every day and I live in Alabama..all of a sudden I am on a chatisement plan for challenging his authority. I know this is my chance to be free..but it hurts so much…we were talking about marriage and him moving to America. Please help.


Annie March 14, 2013 at 10:39 am

I’m glad the website is a God-send, Harmony. It sounds like you need help and support to help you through this crisis over and above what you can hope to get from reading these blog posts. I’d urge you to join one of my programs, or trainings, so you can build the confidence, and self-worth you need, and get over the pain and the “Raw” feelings you have.

Warm wishes for your happiness,



Debbie May 4, 2013 at 1:59 am

It took me TEN YEARS to get him out of my life….but now that I finally did it, I am beginning to remember the woman I am, the woman who knows she is worthwhile and most importantly, I am FINALLY at peace again. Not that the demons don’t arise every once in awhile, or that some place in my heart can still hurt if I let myself go there, but I put myself to work while extricating from this hideous and manipulative, damaging relationship and by focusing my talents on a goal….I was better able to let go of him and once I truly and honestly let go, I saw him for what he was. One final note….Annie has revealed the secrets of these toxic and dangerous men – once they find out that you can say “No, I refuse to be treated like this anymore, you are no longer a part of my life” and you take steps to put it into practice and don’t look back, they have a way of completely disappearing. They are not interested in a woman who can face them squarely and confidently and say “no.” All of you precious and valuable ladies out there who are struggling, end it sooner rather than later and move forward into the light!


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