Get clear-sighted. “But I love him”, is a great justification – if you want to drive yourself half-crazy with misery – otherwise it really doesn’t help you to recover from emotional abuse.. Ask yourself, instead: “What do I love about my emotionally abusive partner? Right here, right now?”- Listen to your internal dialogue. How many nice, kind, supportive things are you telling yourself? About yourself. Not that many? Now there’s a surprise. You have no right to be beastly to yourself. You deserve so much better.
- Cut yourself some slack, for Heaven’s sake. Maybe you weren’t perfect. Then again, you don’t need to be. If people had to be perfect before they could be loveable, this world would be a TOTALLY love-free zone. You did your best – except when you were so worn out you didn’t have the strength. You were good enough.
- Stop making excuses for your emotionally abusive husband. The guy is a cruel, manipulative, objectionable, changeable crazy-maker – you know that as well as I do. So, what’s with the ‘Yes, buts…’ He’s a predator. Like all predators, he may look quite attractive from a distance – think polar bears, lions, tigers etc – but up close, he is DANGEROUS to your well-being. End of.
- Stop telling yourself how broken you are. You’re hurting. Most likely, you’re hurting more than you ever hurt before in your life – emotionally abusive partners have that effect on you. However, you’re not broken. Broken is a myth. It plays well in books and films – or, at least, it plays well until the hero/heroine has a miraculous return to wholeness. People don’t ‘break’ unless they give up on their recovery. Why would you do that?
- Take time out to get to know yourself. You became Little Miss Selfless being with Mr S.S Nasty – that’s S.S. for Super Self-obsessed. You’ve forgotten who you are/were. Knowing who you truly are is a great foundation for your life, and all your future relationships. When you know who you are, you can create healthy relationships instead of emotionally abusive relationships.
- Ditch the ‘shoulds’. Stop trying to shoehorn yourself into a reality you are not yet ready to own. The “should” are usually about other people being smart at your expense. Are the people who “should” you nationally – even regionally – acclaimed Thought Masters? No?!!! Well, there’s a surprise! Stop ‘should-ing’ yourself, and letting other people ‘should’ you. It’s pointless. You might as well waste your time trying to become an Astronaut going to Mars.
- Treat yourself like you matter. You’ve spent years – possibly decades – treating yourself like you don’t matter. The net result is that you’ve ended up believing… Wait for it, that you DON’T You matter. But nobody else can make you believe that until you commit to treating yourself like you matter.
- Get help. Can you do recovery on your own? Maybe. But given the job Mr Nasty has done on you, it’ll be a long, slow, painful process. If you believe you have that time to waste there’s a flaw in your thinking. If you want to get on with your life asap, then get qualified, expert advice. With the right help, you should be looking at massive transformation within 6 months – MAX!
- Don’t give up on yourself. Ever. Your emotionally abusive partner is perfectly happy to leave a trail of broken husks in his wake – you need to think spoilt toddler leaving a trail of broken toys in his wake. The fact is, you’re not a toy. Don’t treat yourself like one. Do NOT let that oversized toddler get you down. He ain’t worth it; he’s an emotional abuser. You owe it to yourself – and your children, if you have them – to recover from emotional abuse.
Annie Kaszina, international Emotional Abuse Recovery specialist and award-winning author of 3 books designed to help women recognise and heal from toxic relationships so that they can build healthy, lasting relationships with the perfect partner for them, blogs about all aspects of abuse, understanding Narcissists and how to avoid them and building strong self-worth. To receive Annie’s blog direct to your Inbox just leave your details here.
The 5 Simple Steps to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
Over the next 5 days, I'll send you some lessons and tips that I've found have really helped women to heal from narcissistic abuse. Starting with the basics.