Did your emotionally abusive partner blame you?

by Annie Kaszina on October 13, 2013

fingerofblamesmallDid your emotionally abusive partner blame you much? It’s almost a silly question, isn’t it? Blame is such an integral part of emotional abuse. Better questions might be: “What did he blame you for?” and “What didn’t he blame you for?” 

If you’ve ever been in an emotionally abusive relationship, you’ll know – though you may not quite believe it – that an emotionally abusive man will blame you for anything, and everything.  He’ll blame you for what you did do, and what you didn’t do. 

Just yesterday, a woman told me that her husband blames her for his MS: if she hadn’t made him so angry, and caused him so much stress – his words – it wouldn’t have happened.  (Needless to say, he has no proof whatsoever to support this accusation.) 

Another woman I know was accused, repeatedly, of stopping her emotionally abusive husband from getting his Ph.D. That accusation was a tad baffling since she had known him for 8 years, but he’d been trying to get a Ph.D – for some 30 years – without managing it. (It was, doubtless, also her fault that the math didn’t add up.) 

My wasband accused me of: 

  • trying to ruin him financially- because whenever I cooked him a shoulder of lamb (his favorite) he’d devour the whole joint at one sitting. (That was, clearly, my fault!)
  • Driving him into the arms of another woman.   (No other woman deserved to be that unlucky!)
  • Ruining the child he couldn’t even be bothered to parent 

and much, much more besides. 

Emotionally abusive husbands – and boyfriends – have an inbuilt safety valve. It is called Blame. 

Whenever they build up a head of steam – that is to say a head of irritation, resentment, frustration, and inadequacy – which they do rather a lot, they release it through the safety valve of Blame. 

It’s ALL your fault!!” they tell you.

Well, it has to be someone’s fault, doesn’t it? So it might as well be yours. An emotionally abused woman is a soft target. 

After all, stupid though they may be, most emotionally abusive men know that it is NOT a good idea to march up to: 

a) their doctor
b) their boss
c) someone they’re trying to impress
d) a big guy in a bar 

and yell: “My life is your fault.” 

Most people would  be likely to question Mr It’s-Your-Fault’s sanity, or laugh in his face.

Most people don’t have to live with him. 

Emotionally abused women learn very fast that life with an emotional abuser is NO laughing matter. Nothing is ever funny unless he says it is. (That doesn’t happen often because, poor lamb, he suffers from a SERIOUS sense of humor deficit.) 

lambsmall

An emotional abuser thrives on blame.

He uses it so often, and with such conviction that he undermines your sense of reality. Every emotionally abused woman I’ve ever worked with ends up asking herself: 

Is it my fault that he?”: 

a) runs after other women
b) is a lousy husband and father
c) abuses substances
d) behaves so badly
e) doesn’t do the things that he says he wants to do
f) has a health problem
g) has a mental health problem
h) had a lousy upbringing 

The answer is, of course, a resounding

NO! 

nonoandnosmall

As he sees it, you are a complete kill-joy because you’re not his mommy. Because you’re not his mommy, you get tired of treating him like an over-indulged two year old. Therefore you don’t do enough to make his life perfect. 

An emotionally abusive man blames you because it is so much easier than taking a look at himself, and taking responsibility for his own behavior. 

Blame meets a very real need for an emotionally abusive man.  It makes him feel better, and more powerful. Unfortunately, it doesn’t do much for you, does it?. 

Being on the receiving end of an emotional abuser’s blame does you no good, right? 

It’s time to stop taking his blame on board. It’s time to stop thinking like an emotionally abused women, and wondering if that blame applies to you. It doesn’t.

Previous post:

Next post: