“Does he get the blame for everything?”

by Annie Kaszina on October 13, 2010

Dear Annie ,

Your advice is sound and makes sense.  

How do I determine my part to his actions? 

As you know  he can't have an argument by himself.  So,  what I have done in my actions that  may have set the course for some of the abuse. There are always two sides to the story. Or does he just get blamed for everything?  

Susie 

Simple, Susie.
 
Just suppose that you are an irritating, ditzy person – now I'm guessing you're not, otherwise you would not be wanting to hold yourself accountable for your part in what happens in your relationship.
 
Here's the thing: he is responsible for his behaviour.
 
So even if you were annoying, and silly, if he is threatening, and aggressive, and hurtful, that is his responsibility.  Not yours.
 
Now, I'm guessing he has behaved pretty badly towards you – otherwise you would not have ended up at my website. 
 
I'm not going to excuse that bad behaviour, and I would suggest that you don't either… any more.
 
Warm wishes,
 
Annie
PS  Actually, long experience of abusive men tells me that they are remarkably good at having arguments all by themselves: when they are in the mood to 'blow',  they 'blow'.  It's called finding a trigger, and exploding.  Of course, by that time, they've often said so many hurtful things to you that you rise to the bait…  So, then, you wonder how much of the fight is your fault.  
And that is exactly what they wanted.

 

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