“What if he were gay?”

by Annie Kaszina on October 3, 2010

 “Annie, what if there is cause to suspect that my emotionally abusive husband could be gay?  Then what?” 

That’s a question I was asked this week. 

And it is a question best answered with a question: 

“Suppose he is gay, what difference does that really make?” 

  • He’s still behaved towards you in an emotionally abusive way. 
  • He’s still a damaging partner. 

If he is gay, then his sexuality is not what he led you to believe it was – and he showed even less care and concern than you had previously thought, by marrying you. 

Being gay provides no excuse, nor justification for his treatment of you.  Period. 

Abusive men really do NOT like women.  

Gay men may – or may not – like women. But their preferred sexual partners are men. 

My questioner did not suggest that her husband might have other sexual partners.  Had she done so, then the concerns she would have to face would be the same as those of a woman with a heterosexual, adulterous husband.  In both instances, the question would be: is he having unprotected sex with other people? 

Do you choose to feel more, or less, humiliated if your – unloving, adulterous – partner is homosexual, rather than heterosexual? 

That is entirely up to you.  

The sexuality of abusive men is perverted.  They use – or withhold – sex for control, not love.  They ‘relate’ to their partner in a damaging way.   

That is a feature of the breed. 

I am very happy to generalize about abusive men; because they are, ultimately, eerily like clones.  They all share the same loathing for women.  They all abuse their partners in very similar ways.  

I am certainly, no expert as regards homosexuality, but I know that the same does not hold true of gay men. 

What should my questioner do? 

Please note that she is not even asking what she should do.  Possibly because she still doesn’t feel ready to do anything about a relationship that is making her thoroughly miserable.  

I believe she should make it clear to her husband that she is not prepared to tolerate emotionally abusive behavior.  But, then, I believe that is the thing all abused women should do.  

She should also make it clear exactly where she stands as regards extra-marital affairs.  

His sexuality may, or may not, be an issue.  What if he were actually bi-sexual?

His emotional treatment of her is, unquestionably, the issue.


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