Abused women blame themselves for a lot of things.  That is the inevitable consequence of
domestic violence.  In this article we
shall focus on just one aspect of domestic violence; that is mental, emotional
abuse. Usually, the things that women who have suffered domestic violence  blame themselves for fall into one of two
categories: the things that are not their fault, and the things that are not
important in the great scheme of things. 

Things that are not their fault include: 

• Making a mess of individual situations.  Their partners’ outburst are always, somehow,
  their fault.
• Spoiling the relationship. 
  (In reality they are the ones who try to hold it together.)
• Being stupid.  (They
  aren’t – although they will honour the unfortunate choice to love a man who is
  not worthy of them.)
• Being too old, or too young.  (They are the age they are. 
  It takes a special kind of idiot to turn around one day and say to
  someone of 21, or 41, or 71, that they are suddenly unacceptable
• Being ugly.  (Living
  a life of ugliness is enough to make anyone feel ugly; but the ugliness lies in
  the eyes of the abusive man, not his partner.)
• Not being good enough. 
  (Good enough for whom, for Heaven’s sake?  And how did that happen? 
  Did the abusive man make a mistake in selecting his woman in the
  first place?  Or does he operate a
  sliding scale?)
• Being failures as women. 
  (It’s what they are told.  What
  it means is that they are not the perfect cross between a slave and a
  supermodel.  Not that their partner
  is a dead ringer for George Clooney! 
  But that doesn’t count.)
•  

Things that are not important include: 

• Their weight.  (It is
  perfectly possible to be overweight, underweight or the perfect weight and be
  loved.  Just not by an abusive man,
  because they make an art form of finding fault with everything about you.)
• Their past mistakes. (They are in the past, after
  all.  Fortunately, abusive men know they
  will never be judged on their pas mistakes.)
• Their education.
• Their family – inasmuch as an abusive woman is not
  responsible for her family. 

The mistakes that abused women make have nothing to do with
the alleged crimes for which their partners reproach them. These mistakes are
errors of judgement that abused women make unconsciously, which cause them
enormous suffering. 

The 7 mistakes 

• Turning a blind eye to his first
  unacceptable temper tantrums.  You say
  that you do that because you love him. 
  He interprets your acceptance as collusion.  In his eyes, you have given him clear proof that you area
  doormat.
• Trying over and over again to
  make the relationship work.  When an
  abusive partner has told you, either in words or actions, 3, or 4, or 5 times,
  that he does not value you or the relationship, you have to believe it.  He is offering you his mission
  statement.  Time to head for the hills.
• Making excuses for him.  Why would feel obliged to improve his
  behaviour when you are willing to excuse him? 
  Your excuses give him carte blanche to carry on behaving as badly, or
  worse, than he has done in the past.
• Feeling responsible for him.  The time comes when you say; “I’ve had
  enough.  It’s over.”  He’s foreseen that day, and he’s ready.  He turns on the crocodile tears.  He tells you that he can’t live without
  you.  It’s taken this for him to discover
  how much he loves you.  From now on, he
  will be a good boy.  But he does need
  you to help him.  You agree, and he’s
  back on track.  Once again, he has got
  you to carry him.  Will he change?  No.
• Minimizing.  He behaves like a heel, and you know it.  But you tell yourself: “He had a difficult
  childhood.”  “He’s had a hard time at
  work – or being out of work.”  “It’s
  just the drink talking.”  Bad behaviour
  is still bad behaviour.  He has no right
  to dump on you – until you let him.
• Covering up.  Your relationship is ghastly.  But you don’t want the world to know.  So you put on a brave face.  That’s collusion.  Once again, you are giving him permission to behave as badly as
  he wants.  Because it will all stay
  behind closed doors.  In fact, while you
  are playing Loyal Little Woman, he can be out spreading poison about you.  If you change your tune, who do you think
  will be believed?
• Believing in fairy tales.  Of course, you don’t consciously believe in
  fairy tales: you are a grown woman not a little girl, after all.  But, unconsciously, you’re still stuck
  acting out Beauty and the Beast.  I
  don’t know whether you met the Handsome Prince, or the Beast, first off.  I do know who you are living with.  Every last petal has dropped off that rose,
  the only time the crockery and cutlery dance is when he gets angry, and the
  Beast is still a Beast.  That’s all he
  will ever be.  Time to get real.  And, if some other naïve woman, wants to
  play Beauty and the Beast with him, good luck to her.  Reality is not like fairy tales. 
  One key difference to bear in mind: in the real world, when you first
  get together with someone, they are on their best behaviour, they wear their
  most attractive mask.  With abusers it
  is all one way from there: downhill. 
  The behaviour degenerates, the mask drops, the result is a whole load of
  misery for you.  Period.

 The real mistakes that women make in abusive relationships
have nothing to do with faults or inadequacies.  They are all about being too willing to carry on believing the
best of someone who is trying very hard to show you just what a jerk he
is.  

Abusive men don’t give you too many gifts.  Showing you just how unpleasant and callous
they can be is the best gift you can have in a lousy situation.  Accept it graciously, before your abusive
partner keeps slamming it into your face. 
And move on.  

One thing they never tell you in fairy stories is that the
beautiful maiden doesn’t actually need a man to be happy.  She just thinks she does.  But when she learns to be truly happy by herself,
and for herself, she will attract a much better class of man than a
Beast/Prince. 

If this information has been helpful to you, look too at www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com