Finding the courage to walk away

by Annie Kaszina on November 29, 2007

"I have decided to walk away because without counselling I no longer
believe this longterm abusive dysfunctional relationship could be repaired. He is acting
as if I am being unreasonable. I am scared of the unknown after all this time
and I do ask myself what I could have done differently.
 
My main concern is not getting seduced by his words again, as I have so often before. I still care and
perhaps love him but know this relationship is no good for me but it is hard to
sever the links once and for all.

Any advice you can provide would be greatly appreciated annie" H

What
I’m wondering is this: why is it hard to sever the links once and for
all?
 
You
know you will always end up ‘back in the crazy seat’.  So, what works for you in
being back in the crazy seat?
 
There
is a theory that we train people to behave towards us in a certain way.  Now,
I’m not saying that your partner’s abusive behaviours were ever your fault.  But
I am saying that he keeps coming back because he knows that you will keep taking
him back. 
 
And it
is nice and convenient for him.  He may be a drama junkie.  He may like the
relationship he knows.  It’s certainly got plenty of pay offs for
him.

So
here’s the thing: I can’t counsel you through this.  There is nothing clever or
wise that I can possibly say that will change anything.  Because I can’t take
responsibility for your decisions. You see, it’s down to you.  If you really and
truly want him out of your life, you won’t listen to him.  Period.  You won’t
listen and argue, or listen and weigh up his arguments and wonder whether if,
maybe, this time…  You simply won’t listen to him.  You will
walk away, put the phone down, shut the door in his face or do whatever it is
that you have to do.  It may take a little while, but if you do that
consistently, he’ll get the message and he will go.  Because he’s not bad at
finding someone else to tolerate him. 
 
And,
then, you’ll start to feel good about yourself because you acted with courage
and dignity.
 
Of
course, you don’t have to do that.  You can trust him more than you trust
yourself.  You know exactly how that will end up: heart-break,
humiliation, self-loathing.  But you can do it. 
 
The
choice is entirely yours.  Only you can choose what is best for
you.
 
You
know, you have most of the resources you need to heal already in place right
now.  It’s just a question of what you want most and I can’t help you with
that.  Much as I would love to.

Warm wishes,

Annie

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